"In the name of God, most Gracious, most Compassionate"It is just shy of 3am and I am here, unable to sleep and feeling philosophical and random. This usually happens when Hubtobe is working night shifts and I've just put down the phone after talking to him for 10minutes on the phone.
I tossed and turned for a little while then my mind started drifting to whether I should move the plants tomorrow morning so they can get more sunlight and wondering how I'm going to have to wait 6 months for a new book once I've bought all the books up to date. So random right!
Then I started talking to myself, thinking about sisters I've met at school and how much I've looked up to them especially in the formulative months since the start of wearing the hijab. The more I thought of it, the more I felt I needed to start up the computer just to blog it out.
People have asked me countless times why I decided to wear the hijab and there are actually many answers that I've churned out to different people... but the real truth will always be that Allah has sent me guidance.
I think I've mentioned before that I had been reading a book that shared stories of how women struggled with their decisions to start wearing the hijab. The concluding story came from a professor who recently wrote a book called 'The politics of the veil'. An abridged version of her book can be found here. It took a scholar... a woman who was supposed to represent all things liberal and secular to knock some sense out of me. I do not know Professor Katherine Bullock personally, but I am grateful to her for writing the thesis and I pray that Allah will bless her always and be among those He loves.
When I first started to wear the hijab, I went in straight with the 45inch tudung because I did not believe in the 'trial' period some women go through where they put their scarves backwards but expose their necks or just wear a cap just enough to cover their hair. But no. When I decide to do something, I research on it, make sure I'm going to do it right and armed with knowledge. That's what I did.
According to the Quran, Surah An-Nur, verse 31:
وَقُل لِّلْمُؤْمِنَاتِ يَغْضُضْنَ مِنْ أَبْصَارِهِنَّ وَيَحْفَظْنَ فُرُوجَهُنَّ وَلَا يُبْدِينَ زِينَتَهُنَّ إِلَّا مَا ظَهَرَ مِنْهَا ۖ وَلْيَضْرِبْنَ بِخُمُرِهِنَّ عَلَىٰ جُيُوبِهِنَّ ۖ وَلَا يُبْدِينَ زِينَتَهُنَّ إِلَّا لِبُعُولَتِهِنَّ أَوْ آبَائِهِنَّ أَوْ آبَاءِ بُعُولَتِهِنَّ أَوْ أَبْنَائِهِنَّ أَوْ أَبْنَاءِ بُعُولَتِهِنَّ أَوْ إِخْوَانِهِنَّ أَوْ بَنِي إِخْوَانِهِنَّ أَوْ بَنِي أَخَوَاتِهِنَّ أَوْ نِسَائِهِنَّ أَوْ مَا مَلَكَتْ أَيْمَانُهُنَّ أَوِ التَّابِعِينَ غَيْرِ أُولِي الْإِرْبَةِ مِنَ الرِّجَالِ أَوِ الطِّفْلِ الَّذِينَ لَمْ يَظْهَرُوا عَلَىٰ عَوْرَاتِ النِّسَاءِ ۖ وَلَا يَضْرِبْنَ بِأَرْجُلِهِنَّ لِيُعْلَمَ مَا يُخْفِينَ مِن زِينَتِهِنَّ ۚ وَتُوبُوا إِلَى اللَّهِ جَمِيعًا أَيُّهَ الْمُؤْمِنُونَ لَعَلَّكُمْ تُفْلِحُونَ
And say to the believing women that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty; that they should not display their beauty and ornaments except what (must ordinarily) appear thereof; that they should draw their veils over their bosoms and not display their beauty except to their husbands, their fathers, their husband's fathers, their sons, their husbands' sons, their brothers or their brothers' sons, or their sisters' sons, or their women, or the slaves whom their right hands possess, or male servants free of physical needs, or small children who have no sense of the shame of sex; and that they should not strike their feet in order to draw attention to their hidden ornaments. And O ye Believers! turn ye all together towards Allah, that ye may attain Bliss.
And say to the believing women that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty; that they should not display their beauty and ornaments except what (must ordinarily) appear thereof; that they should draw their veils over their bosoms and not display their beauty except to their husbands, their fathers, their husband's fathers, their sons, their husbands' sons, their brothers or their brothers' sons, or their sisters' sons, or their women, or the slaves whom their right hands possess, or male servants free of physical needs, or small children who have no sense of the shame of sex; and that they should not strike their feet in order to draw attention to their hidden ornaments. And O ye Believers! turn ye all together towards Allah, that ye may attain Bliss.
And also from Surah Al Ahzab Verse 59;
يَا أَيُّهَا النَّبِيُّ قُل لِّأَزْوَاجِكَ وَبَنَاتِكَ وَنِسَاءِ الْمُؤْمِنِينَ يُدْنِينَ عَلَيْهِنَّ مِن جَلَابِيبِهِنَّ ۚ ذَٰلِكَ أَدْنَىٰ أَن يُعْرَفْنَ فَلَا يُؤْذَيْنَ ۗ وَكَانَ اللَّهُ غَفُورًا رَّحِيمًا
O Prophet! Tell thy wives and daughters, and the believing women, that they should cast their outer garments over their persons (when abroad): that is most convenient, that they should be known (as such) and not molested. And Allah is Oft- Forgiving, Most Merciful
I use Yusuf Ali's translation but I know this verse above has variations in its expression of meanings according to different translators but the main point is the same.
At the same time, my decision to wear the hijab was resented and even forbade by my parents. Astagfiruallah... I remember spending few nights crying about it. I even asked my closest friends what to do and they were very supportive and kind towards me. I did not discuss it with Hubtobe, strangely when I think about it on hindsight. I guess I did not want him to think that I was doing it for him.
So with unsupportive parents and all, I went looking for a role model I could emulate or learn from. At first I read alot of hadiths about Saidina Aisyah r.a. because she is one of the women I admire. But because she is not in person for me to observe, it was very hard for me to learn.
When I started school that semester, I became very observant of the sisters I met. I'd watch how they'd behave in the musollah... I listened to how they spoke, how they greeted each other and how they responded to sad or good news. It was like learning a new language. No one taught me all these real life islamic things, despite having gone to madrasah for 6 years. For example, I had no idea what jazakallah meant or why people said syafakillah when someone was sick. I didn't even know what the initials r.a. behind Saidina Aisyah's name meant!
But Alhamdulillah, at that time, one of my good friends became the vice president of the muslim society and I am very grateful she is one of my close friends. I asked her alot of questions and she was so kind and helpful. But I could not follow the way she dress simply because she likes to wear shawls but I don't coz I have a round face (laughs!).
Then, I went on facebook and got the shock of my life when I saw two of my acquaintances through the muslim society married! And they were still studying! Masyaallah... At first I could not understand... but as I looked at the pictures, I looked at their parents... then I understood. This was a family raised with Islam at the centre of their lives, their hearts. I felt a tinge of envy perhaps for the privilege they've had. =(
I remembered when I met this particular sister during one of our meetings, I was struck by her beauty and her fair face. I hadn't thought anyone would be so beautiful when they were covered up and yet she was. She was soft spoken and kind and gentle... the kind of woman I thought I'd never be. But when I began to wear the hijab, she became a sort of role model for me. She was married, at 21 and leading a life steep in religion and I admired her alot for it.
So I learnt by observing her when we meet in the musollah for prayers... I asked her alot of questions and slowly, I tried to be what she was simply representing- a muslimah; a woman who loves Allah.
I do consider myself more independent nowadays... plus Hubtobe is always there to remind me when I do something wrong. But I still hold high regards for this sister. It amazes me how one can be married, yet doing so much charity work, going for classes and other activities with other muslim sisters and so on.
I am still learning and I hope to increase my iman... a step at a time. And although she's unaware that she's been like a mentor to me, I pray that she will always be a source of ilmu and inspiration for other sisters (and of course her children in the future, insyaallah).
So, it has been a year now for me since I've put on the hijab and I have never felt better. Though sometimes I complain its humid, I feel naked without it. My parents have also accepted that I'm adamant about wearing the hijab and I think they realise that I've changed alot from what I was before and I know they are thankful to Hubtobe for it. =)
But there are times when I think about my past and cry about it... especially at night. And that's when it hurts the most. Wearing the hijab, doing daily prayers, fasting on mondays and thursdays when I can and going for tajwid lessons don't seem enough for me.
So I am thankful that Ramadhan is coming... and I pray that Allah preserve me in good health to be able to perform more terawih prayers this year and may I have the strength and the heart to pray for repentance this Ramadhan.
As Saidina Ali a.s. said:
Wallahualam Bissawab.
O Prophet! Tell thy wives and daughters, and the believing women, that they should cast their outer garments over their persons (when abroad): that is most convenient, that they should be known (as such) and not molested. And Allah is Oft- Forgiving, Most Merciful
I use Yusuf Ali's translation but I know this verse above has variations in its expression of meanings according to different translators but the main point is the same.
At the same time, my decision to wear the hijab was resented and even forbade by my parents. Astagfiruallah... I remember spending few nights crying about it. I even asked my closest friends what to do and they were very supportive and kind towards me. I did not discuss it with Hubtobe, strangely when I think about it on hindsight. I guess I did not want him to think that I was doing it for him.
So with unsupportive parents and all, I went looking for a role model I could emulate or learn from. At first I read alot of hadiths about Saidina Aisyah r.a. because she is one of the women I admire. But because she is not in person for me to observe, it was very hard for me to learn.
When I started school that semester, I became very observant of the sisters I met. I'd watch how they'd behave in the musollah... I listened to how they spoke, how they greeted each other and how they responded to sad or good news. It was like learning a new language. No one taught me all these real life islamic things, despite having gone to madrasah for 6 years. For example, I had no idea what jazakallah meant or why people said syafakillah when someone was sick. I didn't even know what the initials r.a. behind Saidina Aisyah's name meant!
But Alhamdulillah, at that time, one of my good friends became the vice president of the muslim society and I am very grateful she is one of my close friends. I asked her alot of questions and she was so kind and helpful. But I could not follow the way she dress simply because she likes to wear shawls but I don't coz I have a round face (laughs!).
Then, I went on facebook and got the shock of my life when I saw two of my acquaintances through the muslim society married! And they were still studying! Masyaallah... At first I could not understand... but as I looked at the pictures, I looked at their parents... then I understood. This was a family raised with Islam at the centre of their lives, their hearts. I felt a tinge of envy perhaps for the privilege they've had. =(
I remembered when I met this particular sister during one of our meetings, I was struck by her beauty and her fair face. I hadn't thought anyone would be so beautiful when they were covered up and yet she was. She was soft spoken and kind and gentle... the kind of woman I thought I'd never be. But when I began to wear the hijab, she became a sort of role model for me. She was married, at 21 and leading a life steep in religion and I admired her alot for it.
So I learnt by observing her when we meet in the musollah for prayers... I asked her alot of questions and slowly, I tried to be what she was simply representing- a muslimah; a woman who loves Allah.
I do consider myself more independent nowadays... plus Hubtobe is always there to remind me when I do something wrong. But I still hold high regards for this sister. It amazes me how one can be married, yet doing so much charity work, going for classes and other activities with other muslim sisters and so on.
I am still learning and I hope to increase my iman... a step at a time. And although she's unaware that she's been like a mentor to me, I pray that she will always be a source of ilmu and inspiration for other sisters (and of course her children in the future, insyaallah).
So, it has been a year now for me since I've put on the hijab and I have never felt better. Though sometimes I complain its humid, I feel naked without it. My parents have also accepted that I'm adamant about wearing the hijab and I think they realise that I've changed alot from what I was before and I know they are thankful to Hubtobe for it. =)
But there are times when I think about my past and cry about it... especially at night. And that's when it hurts the most. Wearing the hijab, doing daily prayers, fasting on mondays and thursdays when I can and going for tajwid lessons don't seem enough for me.
So I am thankful that Ramadhan is coming... and I pray that Allah preserve me in good health to be able to perform more terawih prayers this year and may I have the strength and the heart to pray for repentance this Ramadhan.
As Saidina Ali a.s. said:
"The sin that makes you sad and repentant is more liked by Allah (SWT) than the good deed which turns you arrogant."
"A sincere repentant: (1) is ashamed of his past sins (2) takes up the duties overlooked and fulfils them (3) makes good the willfully ignored conditions of a trust managed by him (4) forgives those who provoke him (5) does not demand repayment of loans from those who are in financial distress (6) makes firm determination not to sin ever again (7) surrenders his self to the adoration, devotion and service of Allah (SWT) when it had swelled to the point of exploding due to inordinate consumption of worldly pleasures, transgression and disobedience."
Wallahualam Bissawab.
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