Forgive me...

"In the name of God, most Gracious, most Compassionate"

I begin this entry with a bismillah... for I know that He always hears us- all that we say and all that we don't say. Only He understands the silences and understands all that we cannot hear.

Tomorrow is the start of Ramadhan... and I begin this holy month with a heavy heart... a heart laden with guilt, shame and sins. May Allah give me the strength to endure this magnificent month of Ramadhan... may He be most forgiving and merciful to His servants' pleas...

Today had been a long and painful day for me and my family... and it was very hard for me to emerge out of the disappointment realizing two things:

1) Allah has answered our prayers... He has kept my brother safe... He has protected him from harm and because I believe in Allah, I trust that He has willed this to happen to guide my brother back to the right path.

2) That my parents have to be stronger to be able to understand the above and not simply see His doings as a block in a person's lifetime. There is no trust in Allah... and no belief that He is the one most capable of showing to us all what is the right path... every difficulty He gave us is a lesson for us all... But did my parents get what that lesson was?

The lesson was that... we as the elders... as the guardians did not pray enough... for ourselves and for our loved ones... we did not doa enough and did not fear Allah enough... And our greatest mistake was that we did not guide him enough... Allah has given us the responsibility to guide and teach our young but we did not do it enough. But that is not to say that Allah is hard to please... He sees our efforts and I am sure He acknowledges them but He wants us to be better muslims and muslimahs... He is giving us the chance to increase our iman and our love for Him... so we should take it.

That is why when I saw my brother today, I did not scold him or beat him... neither did I cry... instead I asked if he has eaten and that he should sleep and rest until he's ready to talk.

Maybe now I understand that dream I had two days ago... when I was cradling a young boy (who looked like Aang by the way) and someone said I was spoiling him... but the boy was crying... and I still held him close even when I know he had done something bad... because I guess you will begin to see and understand problems and their solutions when you love a little more... in the name of Allah...

Therefore... I am sorry my little brother for I have not loved you enough... and I had not guided you enough... I thought that by showing you the things me and your brother do for Allah, you would be motivated to emulate them... but I guess I was wrong. So I will try... to reach out to you, as I have promised Him last night when I prayed that He'd keep you safe from harm.

Ya Allah, I am grateful that you have been kind and merciful to us and kept my brother safe... and for giving him the chance to return to the right path.

Amin.

Wallahualam Bissawab...