Dependence

Today I visited one of my aunts and we were talking about another aunt who has been through a lot in her life and there was one thing that my aunt said that struck at my heart:

She said that when Allah has chosen someone very special, He will put forth in front of this person obstacle after obstacle; taking away each and every one of the persons that he/she depends on such that the only one left to depend on is Him.

And it made me tear.

The aunt we're talking about is a cancer patient but beyond that, she has lost all three of her precious daughters -the first was taken at a young age, then the second is mentally ill and the third and the one whom she put all her hopes for passed away a few years back. That daughter was only 40 then.

It's a sad story and yet this aunt never shed a tear or blamed God or anyone for everything that has happened to her. She's cancer stricken and yet she cares for her mentally ill daughter and does her best to support them both as well as provide an anchor to her grandchildren (those from her late daughter).

A pious woman who truly deserves our prayers.

It just made me think - sometimes we think that God has forgotten us when He puts before us so much hardship... but what if He is truly thinking of us every step of the way; that's why He has carefully planned these obstacles so we will always seek Him in remembrance.

Wallahualambisawab

My Birthday Wish/Plan

"In the name of God, most Gracious, most Compassionate"

As I was stirring the pineapple filling over the fire for my pineapple tarts, I started thinking about my life and what I should aim to do better.

And the first thing that came to my mind is that:

I should be nicer to Hubtobe. Truly, he treats me very well; never complains even when I bully him or rant and rave about my day. He's patient and always gives in to my whims and almost always lets me eat wherever I want. Though of course he can get really annoying when he starts nagging at me about things or when he misinterprets what I say or forgot my instructions.

But at the end of the day, I think he puts up with alot of my nonsense; more than I put up with his... and so alhamdulillah syukur to Allah for giving me such a person whom I have yet to cherish properly.

So this year, I promise I will try to be a better person. I pray that Allah gives me the strength to be patient and help me cleanse my heart of these darkness and bitterness and meanness towards Hubtobe. Insyaallah, Amin...

Secondly, this year, I also aim to learn how to cook more dishes and bake a bit more. While my mother is still strong and still around, I should learn as much as I can from her and in the future I will learn from my mother-in-law as well. These are all knowledge and they come from Allah. Someday when I have children, I will make sure both my boys and girls know how to cook because knowledge shouldn't exclude or judge based on race, religion or gender. There is no such thing as bad knowledge. It is only how we use that knowledge that determines if it is bad or good.

Lastly of course, I pray that this semester ends with a second upper honours degree and that my parents can be there to see me take my certificate and be proud. They didn't even know that I got a perfect score of 5 for my gpa this year. Alhamdulillah for that. I want them to be proud of me; to know that their efforts at coaching me since young has paid off and that the sweat and pain that they took to raise me has moulded me into a better person.

Remember us when we are frail and weak...

"In the name of God, most Gracious, most Compassionate"

In my previous entry I talked about children... and now I want to talk about elderly. These two groups of people are at the extremes of the continuum of life and as such, they represent the group that needs the most love and delicate care...

Today, my mother told me to be prepared that my grandmother would be staying with us soon. In fact, we have been preparing for it- we're painting the walls and re-arranging the furniture to make space for her. We are all expected to accommodate, although we know what additional strains and costs it would mean but we do not mind. I for one, do not see her as a burden, but as a blessing in disguise for her prayers are more valuable than ours and Allah might shower us with more rezeki. Insyaallah.

As such, it makes me very sad indeed when my other relatives seem to consider her a real burden and keep shifting all the responsibilities around... even their children are selfishly hanging to their comforts and refuse to sacrifice to allow an old woman some space. It hurts me deeply and I don't know if feeling angry at them is the right emotion... for sometimes I do feel pity for them for they do not see that their actions do not please Him.

We quietly wait for her arrival soon. Oh Allah, grant us all the strength to take care of her and grant us all health to make this possible. Amin.

Having Children

"In the name of God, most Gracious, most Compassionate"

To Allah belongs the kingdom of the heavens and the earth.
He creates what He wills.
He bestows female (offspring) upon whom He wills,
and bestows male (offspring) upon whom He wills.
Ash-Shura 42:49

An ex-colleague of mine just gave birth a few days ago just slightly after subuh, to a healthy baby boy. The baby has his father's eyes and his mother's dimples. So young already smiling for the camera! I pray that they raise him to be a good Muslim. Insyaallah.

I was telling Hubtobe how amazing it is that a baby of about the length of your arm could fit inside a woman's body. Not to mention that my ex-colleague has a very very small frame. I remembered how she had fallen sick when her body was stretching her beyond her ability to take the pain. But Hubtobe says that all those are God's secrets. Yes, that's true... and that's why it is marvelous.

Sometimes I am scared of children; the idea of carrying them around and then the pain of delivering them... and then the heartache when you raise them and they talk back to you [and I would know]. But I guess all these are just a part of the trials that Allah has set for us Muslims. Here's a good link.

To quote from that website, it says:

Muslims are frequently tested by Allah s.w.t. Your children are a test or trial for you, and your actions or lack of actions will be judged by Allah swt alone.  Do not raise your child simply based on what your family or peers thinks you should do. Do not fear the judgment of mankind, but of Allah, s.w.t., alone.

My most favourite is perhaps this-

Allah's Messenger said, "The believing man or woman continues to have affliction in person, property and children so that they may finally meet Allah, free from sin." (Tirmidhi)

One can only pray that parents have raised their children to the best of their abilities... but children... when you grow up and begin to learn, do not blame your parents if they have brought you up wrong... but seek to learn more about the truth so that you do not repeat your parents' mistakes.

Unknown

"In the name of God, most Gracious, most Compassionate"

My mother just got home from the doctor... and she told me that he suspects that she has dengue fever. I'm actually very surprised as to how that is possible. Our plants do not have water holders below them, meaning that water drains out. We don't leave water in pails... so I don't know how she got it. -sigh-

It saddens me on two fronts when I heard this news- first is of course for my mother. She is still young... and so am I and my brothers. Although I can do things by myself now, I do wish for her to be with us as we grow older.

Although her ways are not always the best, it does not mean that I do not love her.

Secondly, I am sad for myself. If my mother is hospitalized... that leaves ALL the housework to me. And that is on top of my studies. The men in the house really can't do much or won't do much rather. I'd have to wash all their disgusting clothes when they could actually do it themselves.

I pray that the blood test is negative and that she doesn't really have dengue and that the rash is just an allergy to something. -sigh- But if it's positive... then it has been decreed by Allah...

Everything happens for a reason... and so I have to accept it.

Role Models for our Daughters

 

 "In the name of God, most Gracious, most Compassionate"

As always, the only things that are meaningful on Facebook are my Daily Islamic reminders. Here's a post that I'd like to share:

What do you teach your daughters? Do you allow them to act like Lady Gaga, Lindsay Lohan, Rhianna and others? Or do you encourage them to aspire to be the best of women. We are told, "The best women of mankind are four: Mariam daughter of `Imran, Assiya wife of Pharaoh, Khadija daughter of Khuwailid, and Fatima the daughter of the Messenger of Allah" (Bukhari/Muslim). Give your daughters proper role models!

Of course, with this said; it is also equally important that the mother acts as a role model as well. While we tell our daughters to follow the path of these wonderful Muslim women, we must also uphold all those values that these women in history have shown to us.

I expect alot from my children (insyaallah, when I have them). I expect them to be good muslims who establish regular prayers and fast and who have equal interest in acquiring knowledge of both this world and the next. I know they will be naughty and stubborn at times and I know they will be bombarded by all these bad influence of Lady Gaga, Rhianna and the likes. It will be hard to raise our daughters and sons in the coming future, but as parents, we must always try our best.

Always remember that our daughters will one day become mothers who will then have their own daughters and the cycle continues. Women have always been responsible for the socialization of children and also the imparting of values and knowledge.

Children are watching [hearing and listening]

"In the name of God, most Gracious, most Compassionate"

Recently, a friend of mine shared this video with me about how children are always imitating their parents; watching their every movement and listening to their words. To their subjective consciousness, their parents are reality and everything that their parents do or say are usually right.


Here's the video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t3WioZcjbys

Here's a quote I took from this website about mistakes that parents make when raising children:

Many parents do not realize how observant and absorbing a child is. They will talk in front of him forgetting that he is present, almost as though he is a piece of furniture - deaf and dumb. But a child listens and absorbs, often ponders over and sometimes repeats, what he hears. Thus when a parent says something about a particular thing or person, and then says something different to someone else, the child is introduced to being two-faced. A parent may rant against someone, and say he dislikes him immensely. Yet when he meets the same person, he is very nice to him and shows no sign of his anger. Although to a certain degree this may be necessary, for we cannot show our disagreements openly, it is not necessary to indulge in hypocritical behavior. A hypocrite is one who will be very sweet to the face, but will stab from the back. Imam Muhammad al-Baqir (a) says: The worst of the servants (of Allah) is one who has two faces and two tongues. He praises his brother-in-faith when he is present, and eats him when he is absent.

A child should not be exposed to such behavior. He believes that his parent is always right, and to see such two faced behavior is a disillusionment and a wrong message.

The reason why I'm writing this entry is perhaps because I am disturbed by some of the things that I've been observing for the past year or so.


- It saddens me a lot when parents don't insist on prayers being done on time; skipping prayers when it suits their timetable and doing it only when they have the time. If one doesn't feel crippled after he/she overslept and missed fajr prayers, then he/she is probably needs to improve on their iman and ibadah.


-being vicious, back-biting individuals is another. Talking about others' downfall, calling your own children stupid or other degrading terms serve as a kind of doa for them. -sigh-


Today someone said this to me: "If you want to try to islamify me, then you are better off going to the jungle and making muslims out of the natives. I am already a Muslim, why do you need to tell me what is right or wrong?"


Astaghfiruallahal'azim...


Hubtobe once told me that when a makmum had approached one of the Imams at a mosque to correct his Al-Fatihah and the Imam was driven to tears; humbled by his minute mistake.


No one escapes from mistakes and every criticism or advice [whether you think its right or wrong] should be used as a point of reference to improve yourself.


The Holy Prophet (s) is reported to have said, “The inheritance of Allah, the exalted, from His believing servant, is a child who will worship Him after him (his death).”
 

Alhamdulillah, Allah has opened my heart and my mind to correct the wrongs that my parents have influenced me in the past. I am not discrediting them, for they have raised me well; sending me to madrasah and quran reading classes. I only pray that they could increase their Iman and remember Allah at all times. Insyaallah, we can all be better Muslims...

Amin


Allah knows best.

Out with the folks

"In the name of God, most Gracious, most Compassionate"

It was a normal Tuesday.


Mom decided to head to IMM and do some grocery shopping which I and Hubtobe absolutely LOVE! Only that Hubtobe has been so busy lately that we haven't had time to do much grocery shopping together these days.

So me, my mom and my dad went down to the Giant hypermart to do our groceries and my dad was saying how he was craving for Thai food. So we decided to go to Bali Thai which I personally recommended to my parents. And indeed the food was superb and service was excellent.

Here are some of the photos of what we ate:

[right]

Pineapple rice,
Mango salad
Thai green curry

[below]

Tom Khai Ga- similar to Tom yam except that coconut milk has been added. Yum!

Weird Questions

"In the name of God, most Gracious, most Compassionate"

I think my mother is ready to see me married off. =)
She asked me why have I not asked Hubtobe to come? Lol. Then she goes to say, she doesn't think his mom would come here. Well... you'd never know. =)

Lately she's been wanting to ask me two weird questions.

She hasn't asked me this question yet because she says she's afraid I'm going to scold her and/or ignore her.  

But I know what that question is:

Why did I break up with my ex-bf?

I am surprised she's even asking me this question because I thought she of all people would know best. But then again, I am a very private person with my emotions especially to my family members.

Then the second question is:

Why do I like Hubtobe so much? He's [put in all imperfections here] but why do you still like him ah?

Again, I'm surprised she doesn't see why. =)

Another thing she's worried is because Hubtobe and I are quite related and she worries that if we were to break off, then it'd be awkward if we met each other at family events etc. I wish she would not think like that... because Allah knows what's best for us and our religion. If He deems it best for our family, then it is and it will happen. 

Allah has answered both our prayers. I know He has. Only that I don't know what's that answer. But I believe that Allah knows best and in Him alone I put all my faith and trust. In Him alone I put my hopes and my dreams. And for Him alone I strive for excellence in all knowledge, my love, my family and my life. 

Amin.

Hurt

"In the name of God, most Gracious, most Compassionate"

It's the second day of Eid and things are not looking good at home. Ya Allah, please forgive me for saying this but my dad is a constant complainer and never helps out around the house. It gets to a point where even I am so frustrated with him that I wish I could just raise my voice.

He's been complaining that no one wants to come visit us for Eid... but when he found out we were having guests, he gave an excuse to go out so he wouldn't have to entertain them. Astaghfiruallah... He bitches [yes he does] about every single relative of my mom's side who annoys him or whom he's jealous of etc. One of my uncles was talking about his grandson who made it to one of the top junior colleges in Singapore and my dad bitched later in the car about how arrogant my uncle was. And I was like.... get a grip please! He was just proud of his grandson! How many people can make it to that school? 

He complains about the food, he complains about housework when asked to do... He complains about every little thing and it's making me very annoyed. He keeps quarreling with my mother and knowing how tired my mother is from working so hard, it makes me very angry and hurt.

I wish I could tell him that our Prophet Muhammad s.a.w helps out with the housework, never complains about his food and above all never bitches about other people even when they were unkind to him. But it is not my place to tell my father that or is it?
It makes me scared to get married sometimes when this happens. =(

Eid Mubarak!

"In the name of God, most Gracious, most Compassionate"

Alhamdulliah, Allah has allowed us to live through the Ramadhan to meet Syawal. 

I don't particularly like Hari Raya because of all the wastage and excessiveness that people including me go through. We buy too much tidbits and too much delicacies hoping that guests would come... but people don't usually eat so much... so it's just for show.

Then of course when we all congregate at my grandma's house, it is very disturbing to see the clothes that people wear... see through, body hugging... and the excessive make up and made up nails... It saddens me.

But apart from that, I am happy to have met some of my aunts and uncles whom I love so much... plus I got to see my granny and kiss her.

I'm just waiting for the chance to go out with Hubtobe for Hari Raya and take photos with him. =) I miss him too. Hari raya will be different in the coming years once we become permanent additions to each other's families.

A little Housekeeping

"In the name of God, most Gracious, most Compassionate"

I finally did it- I changed the layout of my blog!!!

It was a bit of a heartache at first when I changed it... but now I feel that it's more... me.

I love a good cup of coffee anytime and it also represents me sitting down, pondering and musing over stuffs. Coffee as a stimulant for my musings. Heh. 

I also added a few more blogs to my following. I'm really happy to be able to have access to all the other muslimahs out there; tap on their wisdom and experiences. Alhamdulillah.

The house is finally in a clean condition- windows cleaned, toilets scrubbed, floors vacuumed and mopped, mirrors and ornaments wiped, bedsheets changed and curtains hung. Truth is, it is tiring to do all these by myself but I do it because of Allah and I do not whine when my mother asks me to do it. I only get angry when my brothers and my dad are sleeping away or watching tv and not helping out. But then again, more pahala for me!

It's 6.15pm and my mother has finally finished cooking. Alhamdulillah. She has to cook for my grandma too since everyone will be congregating there tomorrow. She's been up for 48 hours straight but I know she's doing this for her family and for Allah. May Allah reward her for her efforts.

I am hoping perhaps I could go for Eid prayers tomorrow morning. My dad wants to leave home after subuh prayers. I would love to go but I am not sure if the mosque they are going to will have space for females to pray (sometimes the men use the female area too) and also, my mom might need my help tomorrow to iron the clothes and prepare lunch for everyone. But I will ask her later.

I am quite upset that I missed the last 7 days of Ramadan because of my monthly crimson visit. I felt so lost, being unable to perform my solat, my terawih and even the qiamulail prayers at night. So maybe that's why I turn to doing housework and helping my mother out as much as I can to make up for it.

As Ramadan finally comes to an end, I feel very sad knowing that the spirits of our dead have to return to their graves to continue with their torture. When the takbir is sound on the last day of Ramadan, it brings tears to my eyes- for those who have passed on and for myself.

These past two Ramadan I have asked myself what have I done this year that was different and better from the last?

Alhamdulillah, I think this year I have become a better person; always in remembrance of Allah and slowly relearning as much as I can about my religion. Insyaallah, next year will be better.

May we begin this Syawal with much forgiveness for our past sins to each other.

Amin.

Aisyah r.a. ; The True Beauty (Book Review)

"In the name of God, most Gracious, most Compassionate"

From the cover itself, any woman who appreciates beauty would have been attracted by its colourful and stylish designs. However, the cover page, which entitles it in English is actually a book written in Malay or Bahasa Indonesia.

The author, Brother Sulaiman An-Nadawi has compiled what he considers the most comprehensive biography of Saidatina Aisyah r.a., the Prophet's youngest wife. That being said, I applaud his scholarly work which cites many historical data and hadiths.

May Allah give him many blessings for sharing this book with us.

The Book:

The first part of the book is written chronologically- depicting the life of Aisyah r.a from birth till her wedding with the Prophet s.a.w. Later on, the author tries to portray Aisyah r.a through various themes such as her relationships with the Prophet's s.a.w's other wives, her character, her intellectual discussions and contributions to the Islamic society and a few more.

The book is written in simple language, with footnotes explaining the context behind certain hadiths and incidents and in a nutshell, managed to make Aisyah r.a. very much alive and real in our minds.

One of my takeaways from this book, although I have only read 1/4 of it, is that the relationship between Aisyah r.a and the Prophet s.a.w is not only special but a basis for which his ummah can emulate. The stories inside this book shows us that our Prophet s.a.w. is also human and he too had marital problems which he always found solutions to. But it is without a doubt that he was a kind and gentle husband, father and grandfather.

As for Aisyah, although she was relatively young when the Prophet s.a.w was still alive, she has been described as a very intelligent child that had an excellent memory and was very curious and asked alot of questions. Her intellectual contributions after the Prophet's death are also laid out in the book; evident that women in Islam have been and should be given the right to knowledge, as are men.

As women of Islam, we should try to emulate the behaviour of the Prophet's wives and learn as much as we can about them because through their eyes we could see the Prophet from a lover's eyes and hopefully feel love for him and Allah as well. From them too we can learn what it means to be a good muslimah and a good wife and a good mother. Insyaallah.

May Allah bless us for our efforts to learn and acquire knowledge in His name.

Amin.

We are just moulds, casting plasticine

"In the name of God, most Gracious, most Compassionate"

Remember when you were a kid in primary school and you had to make these ridiculous arts and crafts project with plasticine? I used to hate it because the pasticine smells so bad and my hands always felt so oily after playing with it. Plus, i hate to mix different plasticine together; I didn't like the colours tainted. Yeah, I'm disciplined in that way.

And yet plasticine is exactly the metaphor I will be using to describe the raising of children. I know it's so reductive of me... but in an essence, they are as malleable and pliable as you want them to be. And as parents, as adults, we are the moulds.

When I was younger, my consolation was always knowing that parents never had practice before having real children and they actually go into this parenting business blindly. As the eldest, that always meant I bore the brunt of all their experiments- be it punishment, disciplined, expectations and disappointment. And of course, to them, when I rebelled, it meant the world was going to end. Lol. So it is quite hilarious to see them go through the same process all over again with my brothers but guess what? This time, with more experience, they just sit back and say 'it's just a phase. he'll get over it. '

So on this topic of children I just wanted to lay out 3 different scenarios:

The first one is about a relative of mine, who due to his stable income, is able to afford living in a landed property and has the desire to have more children. He already has three children and his wife has just gotten pregnant with their fourth. But the sad thing is, his wife hardly takes care of their kids because she doesn't know how to. She leaves them to the maid and her in-laws. It's a bit sad to find out about such things. My mother was telling me that I better not dump my kids on her. I wanted to protest of course, seeing that my dad, being bored at home would love playing with the kids... but then, I also have Hubtobe's mom who is also bored at home and would love to take care of the kids.

The second is about my kids' maid who after 12 years of service, decided to return home to her own children and family, leaving behind, her surrogate children, whom she has helped to raise since birth. She had been their mother, raising them, educating them, enforcing solat and fast on them... and suddenly she's gone. But at the same time, I pity her own children who were devoid of their own mother's love and who had to grow up without her... how did they feel and what are they now without her influence?

Lastly, how does a mother decide which child to send to secular school and which child to send to a full-time madrasah? I was discussing with Hubtobe the other day and he said he'd want our girls to wear the tudung once they start preschool. I'd think 7 years old is a better time and best if we sent them to a full time madrasah too so they are surrounded by girls and women who are dressed conservatively.

We had this idea that we should send the first son and first daughter to a full time madrasah and then the rest we could send to secular schools. But I don't know... I'm not used to a madrasah system. Plus they'd not have the chance to mingle with non-malays and non-muslims for their entire schooling years. Ah, we'll think about it when we get there.

It's just... raising children is an amanah from Allah... and a very difficult task. It's not about dressing them up in the most trendiest clothes or enrolling them in ridiculously expensive early learning schools and what not...

Children are going to keep you awake at night and hound you restlessly during the day for attention and make all sorts of pleas and demands... then they grow up and start rebelling, shouting at you and then they get married and then you suddenly feel old and you're going to die.

How does one get over the fear of failing them? Of failing Him?

Wallahualam Bissawab...

Being a couple

"In the name of God, most Gracious, most Compassionate"

Alhamdulillah, Praise be to Him, we have made it through to the 16th day of Ramadan.

First of all, I'd like to put a quote I took from this blog entry :

"Jauhilah perhubungan cowo dan cewek (bahasa Jawa) sebelum kahwin, baik apapun bentuk perhubungan itu sama ada hubungan jiwa apalagi hubungan fizikal. Sedemikian banyak kemanisan yang dikecap antara hubungan dua jantina sebelum kahwin, sedemikian banyaklah kemanisan yang akan ditarik Allah sesudah di alam perkahwinan. Malanglah! Betapa manisnya masa cinta sebelum kahwin, hanya pahit dan sepah yang tinggal selepas kahwin, semua madunya telah dihisap dengan rakus dan tamak sebelum kahwin."

[ Stay away from relationships, be it emotional or physical, between male and female as long as you are not married. For as many sweetness that is shared between the couple before marriage, Allah will take as much sweetness from them after marriage. How unfortunate! No matter how sweet love is before marriage, only bitterness is left after marriage; all it's nectar sucked off by greed and gluttony before marriage]

I guess this entry is sparked off by an incident that happened last night at my cousin's birthday celebration. I must say that I was thoroughly surprised and happy that it was a cozy family affair that made me feel really comfortable and blessed.

It was very sweet to see my cousin and her husband around each other. Sometimes, I can't believe that they're already married. And I know they are waiting for their lives to be filled with the joy of being parents. And she reminded me about something very important yesterday-

That she and her husband are now halal and it struck me so hard how I envy that. For years in our lives before nikah, everything forbidden between a man and a woman is sinful and frowned upon by Allah. But everything after that, brings Him pleasure and we even get pahala for it.

Masyaallah... I'm sure no one wishes to have their marriage wrecked with unhappiness because Allah has taken away all the sweetness away because of their transgressions before marriage. And it made me also worry for my other loved ones who have yet to mend their ways and seek refuge in Him.

And so... I am looking forward to the end of this semester... and I put all my faith and yakin in Allah for He is the best of all planners.

Amin.

Forgive me...

"In the name of God, most Gracious, most Compassionate"

I begin this entry with a bismillah... for I know that He always hears us- all that we say and all that we don't say. Only He understands the silences and understands all that we cannot hear.

Tomorrow is the start of Ramadhan... and I begin this holy month with a heavy heart... a heart laden with guilt, shame and sins. May Allah give me the strength to endure this magnificent month of Ramadhan... may He be most forgiving and merciful to His servants' pleas...

Today had been a long and painful day for me and my family... and it was very hard for me to emerge out of the disappointment realizing two things:

1) Allah has answered our prayers... He has kept my brother safe... He has protected him from harm and because I believe in Allah, I trust that He has willed this to happen to guide my brother back to the right path.

2) That my parents have to be stronger to be able to understand the above and not simply see His doings as a block in a person's lifetime. There is no trust in Allah... and no belief that He is the one most capable of showing to us all what is the right path... every difficulty He gave us is a lesson for us all... But did my parents get what that lesson was?

The lesson was that... we as the elders... as the guardians did not pray enough... for ourselves and for our loved ones... we did not doa enough and did not fear Allah enough... And our greatest mistake was that we did not guide him enough... Allah has given us the responsibility to guide and teach our young but we did not do it enough. But that is not to say that Allah is hard to please... He sees our efforts and I am sure He acknowledges them but He wants us to be better muslims and muslimahs... He is giving us the chance to increase our iman and our love for Him... so we should take it.

That is why when I saw my brother today, I did not scold him or beat him... neither did I cry... instead I asked if he has eaten and that he should sleep and rest until he's ready to talk.

Maybe now I understand that dream I had two days ago... when I was cradling a young boy (who looked like Aang by the way) and someone said I was spoiling him... but the boy was crying... and I still held him close even when I know he had done something bad... because I guess you will begin to see and understand problems and their solutions when you love a little more... in the name of Allah...

Therefore... I am sorry my little brother for I have not loved you enough... and I had not guided you enough... I thought that by showing you the things me and your brother do for Allah, you would be motivated to emulate them... but I guess I was wrong. So I will try... to reach out to you, as I have promised Him last night when I prayed that He'd keep you safe from harm.

Ya Allah, I am grateful that you have been kind and merciful to us and kept my brother safe... and for giving him the chance to return to the right path.

Amin.

Wallahualam Bissawab...

This is not a hotel

"In the name of God, most Gracious, most Compassionate"

It is 2am and my youngest brother is not home. My mother is worried sick because she kept calling him but his phone keeps giving the 'number you've just called is unavailable'.

I know he thinks he's big enough, being 17 and all... but there are bad people out there who do not fear Allah and who are not kind... and my mother has every right to be concerned.

It's just... that sometimes I think he treats our home like a hotel; coming and going when he likes, without telling where or with whom. =( He doesn't even make the effort to call to say where he is or if he's coming late.

I told my mother that if he does get home, bolt the door and don't let him in but she says she has no heart to do that. But to me... it has come too much and I don't think that it is right for him to be doing this. =(

But still... I am worried. I am tired and if I have to go out and find him at 2am in the morning... I don't know what will happen. I don't know the roads well enough... and I might end up lost.

I am trying my best not to be angry... and that's why I am writing this... I pray for patience and faith that Allah will take care of my brother and protect him from harm... but He knows what we don't and He wills what He wills.

Is it right for me to beat my brother should he really come home late? Even Nabi s.a.w doesn't beat until the last resort. I do not want anger to fuel my concern... but I feel as if there is no other choice sometimes.

Oh Allah, give us the faith to stay vigilant, waiting for my brother to come home... Please God, keep him safe from harm....

Amin...

On Learning...

"In the name of God, most Gracious, most Compassionate"

اقْرَأْ بِاسْمِ رَبِّكَ الَّذِي خَلَقَ

Proclaim! (or read!) in the name of thy Lord and Cherisher, Who created-

(Surah 96)


How many of us know that the first ayat to be sent down to our Prophet Muhammad s.a.w. is the one I've put above? In fact, I just learnt this fact in a history of islamic society class last semester. It was quite a shame, considering that I went to 6 years of madrasah and many more years of ngaji/quran reading. That only goes to show that you always learn something new everyday. =)

There were many things on my mind today, but mostly they centered around the issue of education, learning and knowledge.

First of all, today is Hubtobe's first day at school. He was having the jitters the whole day and even when I smsed him the doa before learning (abridged version), he still had butterflies in his stomach. I can't fault him really... he's not been in school for more than 5 years and he claims he's rusty. It also doesn't help that he's in the top university and I think that gives him alot of pressure. I can only pray for him daily that Allah opens up his heart and mind and let him be receptive to knowledge and learning. Insyaallah... I will keep praying for him...

Secondly, I followed my mother to 'meet the parents' session' at my youngest brother's school today. He really did badly for his last common test so it has become a cause of concern for all of us. My mother has very high expectations for her children but she can be reasonable... and she has been with my brother- she just wants him to pass; which is a 45/100 and he's struggling.

When I see the amount of stress and pressure my brother's giving my mom, it makes me afraid of having children. Will I be able to teach them and provide them the right guidance as willed by Allah? When children are born to us, they become a big responsibility that Allah has given and we must do right by Him.

But then, when we are no longer children; after we've baligh, we must be responsible for ourself and our own learning.

After nearly 10 years of not reading the quran on a daily basis, I've picked it up again in the past year and even went back to ngaji to learn tajwid all over again to perfect my reading. I listen alot to Imam Mishari's recitation and I use it as a guide to emote my reading as well. There is an ayat in the Al Quran telling us to read the Quran with 'tartil'. I'm not sure what the exact translation of that is in English, but it means similar to perfecting, with proper considerations of the holy text.

I hope someday Hubtobe would come and learn too. =) I have not heard him read much Quran but I am grateful he knows how to read. Alhamdulillah...

I hope that when we have children someday we would always emphasize on learning and knowledge as a form of ibadah. Of course knowledge for the good; in the name of Allah. I pray that we will all see that seeking knowledge is a lifelong goal because of Allah, and not some chore to get over in the education system. Insyaallah...

Wallahualam bisawub...

Baking Pleasures

"In the name of God, most Gracious, most Compassionate"

This morning I woke up and it was so dark that I thought it was still 8am but it turned out to be 10.30am. Goodness, I've overslept! I thought of doing laundry but judging from the weather I don't think that's advisable coz it looks like it will rain the whole day.

So I decided to continue writing my story. Ah yes, I'm a freelance writer for an online repository and I haven't been sending in any fiction lately so I've decided to continue writing. To my horror, I found it missing in my thumbdrive! Astagfirallah...

I eventually found it in my external hard drive, alhamdullillah, and I will be starting on it soon. Influenced by The Mentalist and In Death, it's no surprise about the genre i've undertaken this time.

Ok, that aside, this entry is actually about my first Raspberry Swirls Cheesecake I made for my family, in particular my youngest brother who had asked for it months ago. Alhamdullillah, it turned out great and I am grateful for Allah for giving me the knowledge and patience to make it.

So first up, here are the ingredients:

There was only a punnet of raspberries left so I had to supplement it with some blackberries to make up 200ml of puree for the cake later.























So after about 3 hours of mixing, kneading and baking, here's what the cake look like:

Fresh from the oven... kinda looked like chocolate swirls right? But it's the lighting really. By the time it was done, it was about maghrib so it was dark. So I left it to cool and decorated it only the next day:

Still in it's pan... looks so pretty in the sun light doesn't it?













Here you go... out of the pan and onto the plate. That's the first slice for my middle brother. The youngest one was too busy with his homework to eat. Bleagh. But my brother said it was nice and asked me to open a bakery with him! So sweet!














I have yet to let Hubtobe eat it. He usually doesn't like sweet stuff but he has promised to eat this cake because I have lovingly made it. =)

Alhamdulillah the cake has turned out wonderful. For the first time, the crust actually did not break so that's another thing I'm grateful for. Insyaallah, I'll make more cakes in the future.

There's this one lady whom I owe alot of inspiration from. Her blog is here: http://homebakery.blogspot.com/ She has made a few cakes for me and my cousins and we are always grateful to her and she has very ethical business and is a pious woman as well, thus, salute!

As for me, I will constantly try to gain as much knowledge as possible especially with regards to cooking and baking, so I that I can be a good wife, daughter and sister to my loved ones. As Imam Shafiee said, “There is nothing more sacred after the fundamental obligations of faith than searching for knowledge” (Kitab al-Um).

Insyaallah, with Allah's permission, I will be better. =)