10 year old disappointment

"In the name of God, most Gracious, most Compassionate"

My purpose in this entry is not to bad-mouth but to share an experience that I hope parents and soon-to-be parents could take into consideration when raising their kids. 

My relationship with children are quite ambiguous. Sometimes I like them, sometimes I don't and sometimes they are just students for me to teach.  But they are always innocent, truthful and protected by His grace. 

Today I went to teach a ten year old girl who on the first glance seem like a normal child but according to her parents, she's slow and has difficulty learning. 

But when I started the lessons, I found the child very intelligent -maybe not in the mainstream way but her non-academic intelligence is stifled to make way for 'rules' and 'forced practices' of the curriculum. Her parents focus only on her results and don't really care if one of her art work got sent for a competition of if she plays brilliant music. 

And the saddest thing she said to me was this:

On my birthday, I wished that I would become clever so that I will not disappoint anyone ever again, especially my father and mother. 

My academia background tells me to define 'clever' and to take note of the placement of 'father' before 'mother'. 

So I asked her what does it mean to be clever?

She said it is to pass all her subjects well and become a teacher. 

Then I asked, are you not clever now? 

She says no. 

Then I asked, says who?

She says when I never pass my exams and my father scolds me.

So I said, Do you know where cleverness comes from?

She shakes her head then frowns. Is it from studying hard? She asks. 

No, I said. It comes from God. It comes from Allah. And He never makes his creations imperfect. Everyone is clever in their own little way. So maybe you're not good in maths and science but I saw you had really high marks for your mother tongue. What do you think that means?

Then she got excited. I later learn that everyone seems to ignore her strengths and focus only on her weakness. So after 5 minutes of sharing, I finally said -see, you can be a language teacher! I'm not saying that you don't have to still put in effort for your weak subjects but that you should be proud that you have a strength to lean on. 

-sigh- 

It hurts me that a child thinks she's a disappointment... because seriously, she isn't. The education system is just that - it divides and separates; gives labels to children, traumatize them and make them think themselves as stupid or clever according to some grade they get. 

Until they forget that it is the learning that is important... every thing we learn is one step closer to God. So parents, don't just care about your child's result. Because sometimes, Allah has other plans for them. 

Having Children

"In the name of God, most Gracious, most Compassionate"

To Allah belongs the kingdom of the heavens and the earth.
He creates what He wills.
He bestows female (offspring) upon whom He wills,
and bestows male (offspring) upon whom He wills.
Ash-Shura 42:49

An ex-colleague of mine just gave birth a few days ago just slightly after subuh, to a healthy baby boy. The baby has his father's eyes and his mother's dimples. So young already smiling for the camera! I pray that they raise him to be a good Muslim. Insyaallah.

I was telling Hubtobe how amazing it is that a baby of about the length of your arm could fit inside a woman's body. Not to mention that my ex-colleague has a very very small frame. I remembered how she had fallen sick when her body was stretching her beyond her ability to take the pain. But Hubtobe says that all those are God's secrets. Yes, that's true... and that's why it is marvelous.

Sometimes I am scared of children; the idea of carrying them around and then the pain of delivering them... and then the heartache when you raise them and they talk back to you [and I would know]. But I guess all these are just a part of the trials that Allah has set for us Muslims. Here's a good link.

To quote from that website, it says:

Muslims are frequently tested by Allah s.w.t. Your children are a test or trial for you, and your actions or lack of actions will be judged by Allah swt alone.  Do not raise your child simply based on what your family or peers thinks you should do. Do not fear the judgment of mankind, but of Allah, s.w.t., alone.

My most favourite is perhaps this-

Allah's Messenger said, "The believing man or woman continues to have affliction in person, property and children so that they may finally meet Allah, free from sin." (Tirmidhi)

One can only pray that parents have raised their children to the best of their abilities... but children... when you grow up and begin to learn, do not blame your parents if they have brought you up wrong... but seek to learn more about the truth so that you do not repeat your parents' mistakes.

Role Models for our Daughters

 

 "In the name of God, most Gracious, most Compassionate"

As always, the only things that are meaningful on Facebook are my Daily Islamic reminders. Here's a post that I'd like to share:

What do you teach your daughters? Do you allow them to act like Lady Gaga, Lindsay Lohan, Rhianna and others? Or do you encourage them to aspire to be the best of women. We are told, "The best women of mankind are four: Mariam daughter of `Imran, Assiya wife of Pharaoh, Khadija daughter of Khuwailid, and Fatima the daughter of the Messenger of Allah" (Bukhari/Muslim). Give your daughters proper role models!

Of course, with this said; it is also equally important that the mother acts as a role model as well. While we tell our daughters to follow the path of these wonderful Muslim women, we must also uphold all those values that these women in history have shown to us.

I expect alot from my children (insyaallah, when I have them). I expect them to be good muslims who establish regular prayers and fast and who have equal interest in acquiring knowledge of both this world and the next. I know they will be naughty and stubborn at times and I know they will be bombarded by all these bad influence of Lady Gaga, Rhianna and the likes. It will be hard to raise our daughters and sons in the coming future, but as parents, we must always try our best.

Always remember that our daughters will one day become mothers who will then have their own daughters and the cycle continues. Women have always been responsible for the socialization of children and also the imparting of values and knowledge.

"In the name of God, most Gracious, most Compassionate"

I just watched the female students in Al-Azhar University in a video from here and yes I'm convinced if I ever have to send my babies overseas then I will.

We are just moulds, casting plasticine

"In the name of God, most Gracious, most Compassionate"

Remember when you were a kid in primary school and you had to make these ridiculous arts and crafts project with plasticine? I used to hate it because the pasticine smells so bad and my hands always felt so oily after playing with it. Plus, i hate to mix different plasticine together; I didn't like the colours tainted. Yeah, I'm disciplined in that way.

And yet plasticine is exactly the metaphor I will be using to describe the raising of children. I know it's so reductive of me... but in an essence, they are as malleable and pliable as you want them to be. And as parents, as adults, we are the moulds.

When I was younger, my consolation was always knowing that parents never had practice before having real children and they actually go into this parenting business blindly. As the eldest, that always meant I bore the brunt of all their experiments- be it punishment, disciplined, expectations and disappointment. And of course, to them, when I rebelled, it meant the world was going to end. Lol. So it is quite hilarious to see them go through the same process all over again with my brothers but guess what? This time, with more experience, they just sit back and say 'it's just a phase. he'll get over it. '

So on this topic of children I just wanted to lay out 3 different scenarios:

The first one is about a relative of mine, who due to his stable income, is able to afford living in a landed property and has the desire to have more children. He already has three children and his wife has just gotten pregnant with their fourth. But the sad thing is, his wife hardly takes care of their kids because she doesn't know how to. She leaves them to the maid and her in-laws. It's a bit sad to find out about such things. My mother was telling me that I better not dump my kids on her. I wanted to protest of course, seeing that my dad, being bored at home would love playing with the kids... but then, I also have Hubtobe's mom who is also bored at home and would love to take care of the kids.

The second is about my kids' maid who after 12 years of service, decided to return home to her own children and family, leaving behind, her surrogate children, whom she has helped to raise since birth. She had been their mother, raising them, educating them, enforcing solat and fast on them... and suddenly she's gone. But at the same time, I pity her own children who were devoid of their own mother's love and who had to grow up without her... how did they feel and what are they now without her influence?

Lastly, how does a mother decide which child to send to secular school and which child to send to a full-time madrasah? I was discussing with Hubtobe the other day and he said he'd want our girls to wear the tudung once they start preschool. I'd think 7 years old is a better time and best if we sent them to a full time madrasah too so they are surrounded by girls and women who are dressed conservatively.

We had this idea that we should send the first son and first daughter to a full time madrasah and then the rest we could send to secular schools. But I don't know... I'm not used to a madrasah system. Plus they'd not have the chance to mingle with non-malays and non-muslims for their entire schooling years. Ah, we'll think about it when we get there.

It's just... raising children is an amanah from Allah... and a very difficult task. It's not about dressing them up in the most trendiest clothes or enrolling them in ridiculously expensive early learning schools and what not...

Children are going to keep you awake at night and hound you restlessly during the day for attention and make all sorts of pleas and demands... then they grow up and start rebelling, shouting at you and then they get married and then you suddenly feel old and you're going to die.

How does one get over the fear of failing them? Of failing Him?

Wallahualam Bissawab...

On Learning...

"In the name of God, most Gracious, most Compassionate"

اقْرَأْ بِاسْمِ رَبِّكَ الَّذِي خَلَقَ

Proclaim! (or read!) in the name of thy Lord and Cherisher, Who created-

(Surah 96)


How many of us know that the first ayat to be sent down to our Prophet Muhammad s.a.w. is the one I've put above? In fact, I just learnt this fact in a history of islamic society class last semester. It was quite a shame, considering that I went to 6 years of madrasah and many more years of ngaji/quran reading. That only goes to show that you always learn something new everyday. =)

There were many things on my mind today, but mostly they centered around the issue of education, learning and knowledge.

First of all, today is Hubtobe's first day at school. He was having the jitters the whole day and even when I smsed him the doa before learning (abridged version), he still had butterflies in his stomach. I can't fault him really... he's not been in school for more than 5 years and he claims he's rusty. It also doesn't help that he's in the top university and I think that gives him alot of pressure. I can only pray for him daily that Allah opens up his heart and mind and let him be receptive to knowledge and learning. Insyaallah... I will keep praying for him...

Secondly, I followed my mother to 'meet the parents' session' at my youngest brother's school today. He really did badly for his last common test so it has become a cause of concern for all of us. My mother has very high expectations for her children but she can be reasonable... and she has been with my brother- she just wants him to pass; which is a 45/100 and he's struggling.

When I see the amount of stress and pressure my brother's giving my mom, it makes me afraid of having children. Will I be able to teach them and provide them the right guidance as willed by Allah? When children are born to us, they become a big responsibility that Allah has given and we must do right by Him.

But then, when we are no longer children; after we've baligh, we must be responsible for ourself and our own learning.

After nearly 10 years of not reading the quran on a daily basis, I've picked it up again in the past year and even went back to ngaji to learn tajwid all over again to perfect my reading. I listen alot to Imam Mishari's recitation and I use it as a guide to emote my reading as well. There is an ayat in the Al Quran telling us to read the Quran with 'tartil'. I'm not sure what the exact translation of that is in English, but it means similar to perfecting, with proper considerations of the holy text.

I hope someday Hubtobe would come and learn too. =) I have not heard him read much Quran but I am grateful he knows how to read. Alhamdulillah...

I hope that when we have children someday we would always emphasize on learning and knowledge as a form of ibadah. Of course knowledge for the good; in the name of Allah. I pray that we will all see that seeking knowledge is a lifelong goal because of Allah, and not some chore to get over in the education system. Insyaallah...

Wallahualam bisawub...

Things kids write

"In the name of God, most Gracious, most Compassionate"

Children in their innocence write the most funniest things sometimes... and yet they so blatantly express their love for you without an ounce of shyness. Well... that usually is the case, until they grow up. Even for me, I don't say 'I love you' to my parents... it's not our culture because my mother believes that loving someone is in the actions you do, not the words you say. The contrast is for my dad who would really send me smses and emails ending with 'be good my baby, I love you.' Hehehehe. He still thinks I'm a little girl and it shows. Whenever he's overseas and buys me clothes, he always buys them in sizes big enough for an 8 year old. -laughs-

But anyway, this post is about my beloved tuition kid who secretly writes to me the most hilarious notes at the end of her compositions/karangan.

For example, yesterday we were doing a pictorial composition about 'A trip to the chocolate factory' and she did really well so I gave her 17/20 and here's what she wrote:



There's even laughter and a kiss. She's just so adorable.

Here's another note she wrote when we were discussing about my hair.



When I asked her why she described me, a female as 'handsome', she replied that it was because I had no hair. Lol! I told her that I do have hair, it's just that it's covered under the tudung!
As for 'islam princess', it was because she insisted that I could not be either Jasmine, Cinderella, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty or Little Mermaid coz they all don't wear tudung. -laughs-

Here's another one:



This girl is so cute! She goes all the way to redeem herself by saying 'I love you' then she goes into a passive aggressive mode- insisting that I was both pretty and handsome with a grammar error at that. =)

She's only eight years old but she has come a long way from where she was in primary 1. I remembered we battled over her calculations, her grammar and so many other things in primary one coz she was failing english and maths so terribly. But I learn that children are as absorbent as a sponge if you encourage them and teach them right. Sometimes you've got to give them tokens of encouragement such as these:



Choosing stickers is her favourite time during the lesson coz she will ponder over it a long time to decide which sticker she wants to be pasted on the page. Well, at times she'll raid my other sticker collection in my organizer especially for the 'marie cat' and 'powerpuff girls' that I keep.

I remembered when I first started wearing tudung, the children were quite shocked and she kept on asking me why am I wearing 'that thing' and where's my hair. I suppose she doesn't know all these because the womenfolk at home do not put on the tudung. I told her that because it is wajib and she asked me what is that. So I had to explain in the most simplest way that wajib is something Allah expects us to do because we love Him. But she's too young to comprehend that.

But I always make sure that she knows special dates like Maulid Rasul and of course Ramadhan... she's still fasting for half days at a time, but I tell her she has to try.

There is one day when she asked me why doesn't her mother and aunt pray? And to that, I really had no answer. It is not that I want to speak ill of them, but that is the question she asked me. =( see... I teach the children from asar all the way to isyak so I have to perform my asar and maghrib at their house. Initially, I would qasar them because I didn't want to eat into the children's tuition time, but after a while, Hubtobe told me that I should fear Allah more than I fear being scolded by the children's parents. Furthermore, their maid does pray so she was very kind to let me use her prayer mat and pray in her make shift room =)

But you see, praying just beside the study table with the children in full view of me is a good thing for them... because they watch me (even though I say to do their work) and for the girl, she likes to ask a lot of questions afterwards and for the boy, it gives me an excuse to nag at him to pray instead of watching tv after his turn is over.

Although they are not my children, I still want to be able to teach them a little bit of agama on top of their secular learnings. I think I want to start them on reading the doa before studying. Insyaallah, it will help them absorb more with Allah's permission.

I really love these children and they are good kids who listen to you and don't make trouble. My boy wants to be a soldier and my girl wants to be an art teacher. I do not know till how long I would be teaching them, but I hope that when I leave, they will be better muslimin and muslimahs.