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"In the name of God, most Gracious, most Compassionate"

My mother just got home from the doctor... and she told me that he suspects that she has dengue fever. I'm actually very surprised as to how that is possible. Our plants do not have water holders below them, meaning that water drains out. We don't leave water in pails... so I don't know how she got it. -sigh-

It saddens me on two fronts when I heard this news- first is of course for my mother. She is still young... and so am I and my brothers. Although I can do things by myself now, I do wish for her to be with us as we grow older.

Although her ways are not always the best, it does not mean that I do not love her.

Secondly, I am sad for myself. If my mother is hospitalized... that leaves ALL the housework to me. And that is on top of my studies. The men in the house really can't do much or won't do much rather. I'd have to wash all their disgusting clothes when they could actually do it themselves.

I pray that the blood test is negative and that she doesn't really have dengue and that the rash is just an allergy to something. -sigh- But if it's positive... then it has been decreed by Allah...

Everything happens for a reason... and so I have to accept it.

Getting into the Groove

"In the name of God, most Gracious, most Compassionate"

I'm currently recovering from food poisoning and so this week I'm going to be a little slow in thought and actions. After one hour of teaching or studying, it just drains me so much! But before I go and rest, I just wanna lay out some thoughts about the thesis paper I'm crafting. 

Truth is, the process is harder than it seems. And my organized self finds it so difficult to move in a zigzag manner when I see the research process as a linear manner. It involves alot of going out into the field, talking to people, then reviewing the literature, then reviewing your research question again and again and again. That's just so exhausting! 

They say that it is too early to determine anything, therefore, I should not be stuck in my decision to be final. -sigh- I guess as the more experienced professors, they'd know better.

I've got to think alot on my own now... and then I'm going to try and formulate some questions and begin my pilot interviews soon. I'm so shy and I find it difficult to talk to strangers really... Yeah... that means I better get that $150 voice recorder.

Alright, time to rest. This research process is something new for me... but if I find it to my liking, insyaallah then, Academia is for me.  =)

Wallahualam bissawab.

Sleeping and Awaking

"In the name of God, most Gracious, most Compassionate"

I saw something on this Happy Muslim Family and Friends page and decided to post it here coz I am ALWAYS in this situation.

Narrated 'Abdullah (Radi-Allahu 'anhum): A person was mentioned
before the Prophet (Sallallahu 'Alaihi Wa Sallam) and he was told that
he had kept on sleeping till morning and had not gotup for the prayer.
The Prophet (Sallallahu 'Alaihi Wa Sallam) said, "Satan urinated in his
ears." Bukhari Vol. 2 : No. 245

I sleep late almost everyday- not because of insomnia as some would say but the term is actually somniphobia which is a fear of sleeping. I fear going to sleep because I'm afraid I'd die in my sleep and that I haven't repent much... or sometimes I just won't sleep even when I'm so tired because I feel that I had not done enough things during the day to warrant enough rest at night. Weird right? But worst of all is when I won't sleep because I feel unfulfilled in certain areas of my life and I feel as though if I stay wake long enough, I might feel better.

As a result, I sleep as late as 3 or 4am on some days and now since it's Ramadan, that means I have to wake up at 5am and I have even fallen asleep on the prayer mat while waiting for the prayer call. Astagfiruallah... But mostly, I'll lie down while waiting for the subuh azan and lo and behold! I fall asleep until 8 or 9am to which I feel terrible and then just sleep some more till 11 or 12. Haiz...

What should the cure be for this?

I'm thinking of eating multivitamins again, in hopes that it would energize me... and yes I'm looking forward to my gym sessions again coz I always feel in the mood to sleep after that. But Hubtobe thinks eating multivites are a waste coz my body will just discard the unnecessary elements. -boohoo-

"In the name of God, most Gracious, most Compassionate"

This morning I woke up to the most excruciating pain on my left shoulder and neck. My only consolation was that I had already sahur and did my fajr prayers. Somehow after prayers I had gone back to sleep and I must have slept wrongly or 'salah bantal' as the Malays say.

So there I was, unable to turn my head to either side and worst of all, I couldn't lift up my hands to do simple tasks like tying up my hair or putting on my clothes! Astagfirallah... every movement caused me to yelp out in pain and after a while it was too much to bear so I went to my mother's room and cried for help.

After seeing the doctor and taking my medication, I went to sleep. It was difficult to even put my head gently on the pillow but I tried. And I thought about this pain:

How much is this pain compared to the pain of hell-fire and torture in the grave? I can't imagine... but I think this pain must be less than the pain of giving birth (something I may experience someday).

But I am thankful for this pain and for everytime I fall sick because I take it as a sign of kafarah for my sins. May He inflict this pain and suffering now for my minor sins than for me to experience them after death. Don't you agree?

So may the tears I shed help cleanse me from my past sins... Insyaallah.

Innalillah we innalillah hi rajiun...
Syafakillah, may I get well soon

Amin