Making friends

"In the name of God, most Gracious, most Compassionate"

Today after class, a year one girl approached me and asked me where's the musollah. Masyaallah... I was so touched.

Firstly, I was so honoured that she chose to ask me although there were other muslim girls in the class. Maybe Allah has deemed me the right person to direct her. And I am very grateful to have walked with her to the musollah although I can't pray. We talked about school and I gave her alot of advice as a senior to a junior.

Secondly, I was touched in that there are still good muslims out there who still remember to pray. Alhamdulillah... It made me realise that when I was her age 3 years ago... I had never asked that question before. =( I do not want to imagine how much sins I had back then or how many of my fasts were invalid because I did not pray back then. =( It made me sad.

But it also made me grateful that I have 4 very good muslim friends who stayed by me throughout (even when there was a time I wanted to distance from them for they were too halal for me). Astaghfiruallah... May Allah forgive me for that...

They gave me the guidance when I needed it- especially when I first started wearing the hijab and re-learning about Islam again... I am grateful to Allah for destining me to sit with them on the first day of school and for allowing me to have true friends whom I really love very much. Insyaallah we will be friends till we have our own children. Amin.

Night Prayers; Qiamulaill

"In the name of God, most Gracious, most Compassionate"

The uncertainty of how to perform these night prayers for the last 10 days or better known as Qiamulaill has made me restless and unable to sleep thus I went online to search for some answers.

But before I begin this long entry, I just want to sedekah an Al-Fatihah to an old friend of mine from way back in secondary school who has recently met with a sad incident. Inalillah... I told him that it is still Ramadhan and Allah has taken something away from him for a reason and he should redha and not be angry at his fate.

Alright, so to begin this 'lesson' proper, I'd like to quote some verses from Surah Al-Muzzammil ayat 1-8:

يَا أَيُّهَا الْمُزَّمِّلُ

O thou folded in garments!.

قُمِ اللَّيْلَ إِلَّا قَلِيلًا

Stand (to prayer) by night, but not all night,-

نِّصْفَهُ أَوِ انقُصْ مِنْهُ قَلِيلًا.

Half of it,- or a little less,

أَوْ زِدْ عَلَيْهِ وَرَتِّلِ الْقُرْآنَ تَرْتِيلًا.

Or a little more; and recite the Qur'an in slow, measured rhythmic tones.

إِنَّا سَنُلْقِي عَلَيْكَ قَوْلًا ثَقِيلًا.

Soon shall We send down to thee a weighty Message

إِنَّ نَاشِئَةَ اللَّيْلِ هِيَ أَشَدُّ وَطْئًا وَأَقْوَمُ قِيلًا.

Truly the rising by night is most potent for governing (the soul), and most suitable for (framing) the Word (of Prayer and Praise).

إِنَّ لَكَ فِي النَّهَارِ سَبْحًا طَوِيلًا

True, there is for thee by day prolonged occupation with ordinary duties:

وَاذْكُرِ اسْمَ رَبِّكَ وَتَبَتَّلْ إِلَيْهِ تَبْتِيلًا

But keep in remembrance the name of thy Lord and devote thyself to Him whole-heartedly.

And that... is in essence what Qiamulaill is really about. The later part of the night (1/2am till sahur time) should be spent in ibadah with the sole purpose of pleasing Allah and seeking forgiveness and kindness from Him. In addition to reading the Quran, here are the prayers that can be performed accordingly:

1. Solat Sunat Tahajjud
2. Solat Sunat Hajat
3. Solat Sunat Taubat
4. Solat Sunat Tasbih
5. Solat Sunat Witir

Here are some sites that came in useful for me:
http://www.epondok.com.my/index.php?p=mutiarailmu/qiamullail.php
http://www.scribd.com/doc/5462255/Panduan-Solat-Tarawih-Witir-Tahajjud-Qiamullail-yang-Benar

It's quite alot for a first timer like me... but insyaallah I will be able to do it.

Alhamdulillah, it's Ramadhan...

"In the name of God, most Gracious, most Compassionate"

Alhamdulillah... Ramadhan is here again.

I am thankful to Allah for the health that He has given to me and my family as well as the kindness and rezeki that He has blessed us with.

I am a little sad that I am unable to go for terawih today but insyaallah, I will be able to do so tomorrow.

Right now, I believe the spirits of the deceased are let free from their punishments in the grave and I know they are grateful for the 1 month of solace... and they will come to see us... to see if we still remember them; if we are children with iman or are we lost and break their heart... Someday after I'm gone, I will experience the same thing as well... and I pray that I will see my children and their children always remembering Allah...

May we be given the health and longevity to face the coming Ramadhan, for it will test our will power and iman to the greatest. I am thankful that this month is finally here.

Amin

Forgive me...

"In the name of God, most Gracious, most Compassionate"

I begin this entry with a bismillah... for I know that He always hears us- all that we say and all that we don't say. Only He understands the silences and understands all that we cannot hear.

Tomorrow is the start of Ramadhan... and I begin this holy month with a heavy heart... a heart laden with guilt, shame and sins. May Allah give me the strength to endure this magnificent month of Ramadhan... may He be most forgiving and merciful to His servants' pleas...

Today had been a long and painful day for me and my family... and it was very hard for me to emerge out of the disappointment realizing two things:

1) Allah has answered our prayers... He has kept my brother safe... He has protected him from harm and because I believe in Allah, I trust that He has willed this to happen to guide my brother back to the right path.

2) That my parents have to be stronger to be able to understand the above and not simply see His doings as a block in a person's lifetime. There is no trust in Allah... and no belief that He is the one most capable of showing to us all what is the right path... every difficulty He gave us is a lesson for us all... But did my parents get what that lesson was?

The lesson was that... we as the elders... as the guardians did not pray enough... for ourselves and for our loved ones... we did not doa enough and did not fear Allah enough... And our greatest mistake was that we did not guide him enough... Allah has given us the responsibility to guide and teach our young but we did not do it enough. But that is not to say that Allah is hard to please... He sees our efforts and I am sure He acknowledges them but He wants us to be better muslims and muslimahs... He is giving us the chance to increase our iman and our love for Him... so we should take it.

That is why when I saw my brother today, I did not scold him or beat him... neither did I cry... instead I asked if he has eaten and that he should sleep and rest until he's ready to talk.

Maybe now I understand that dream I had two days ago... when I was cradling a young boy (who looked like Aang by the way) and someone said I was spoiling him... but the boy was crying... and I still held him close even when I know he had done something bad... because I guess you will begin to see and understand problems and their solutions when you love a little more... in the name of Allah...

Therefore... I am sorry my little brother for I have not loved you enough... and I had not guided you enough... I thought that by showing you the things me and your brother do for Allah, you would be motivated to emulate them... but I guess I was wrong. So I will try... to reach out to you, as I have promised Him last night when I prayed that He'd keep you safe from harm.

Ya Allah, I am grateful that you have been kind and merciful to us and kept my brother safe... and for giving him the chance to return to the right path.

Amin.

Wallahualam Bissawab...

What has Facebook come to?

"In the name of God, most Gracious, most Compassionate"

Many times I've asked myself this question... especially lately when I start seeing more and more signs of disintegration of values and iman in the muslim community.

Women who once used the hijab are suddenly 'liberated' and prancing around without any in public... Girls who used to dress demurely are now in mini skirts and tights... and then there's also the ever increasing level of riak that Facebook simply feeds on- the extravagant holidays, the classy bags, shoes, exclusive dining places and so on...

Before I address the third point, I just want to say a few things about the first two-

It disgusts me deeply when someone wears the hijab then take it off then put it on when it's convenient for them... then why put it on in the first place? And the best part is when their parents are aware of this and do not say anything. I feel disgusted because these women actually believe they are more beautiful when they take it off to show it to the world... but what they are actually defiantly saying is: 'Look God. I'm fine without this scarf around my head which is what You asked of me, and hey, this is my body so I can do what I want to it'

Astaghfiruallah...

Then there's those who model on sexy dresses and all kinds of haram clothings... and insist that these are hijab friendly simply by adding a cardigan or pants etc...

How can the parents of these girls allow their daughters to wear these abhorrent garbs? And these parents are aware because their daughters are right beside them in family photos... I pray that Allah forgives these parents for not keeping His amanah; may He be lenient towards them and have mercy on them.

Last of all... Facebook has given the chance for everyone who is not strong enough to be a victim of their own sins. The desire to showoff.

At times, even I am guilty of this. These days when I do put photos up, I do not publish them so that no one knows and no one can comment on them unless they purposely went to my profile to browse my photos. On hindsight, perhaps I should put these photos on private mode or just for sharing with my brother and Hubtobe.

I am tempted to just delete my whole account for that matter... but I am holding out because I have many good, muslims and muslimah friends who are always sending me invitations to events and forums through facebook... and it is also a way for me to keep in touch with them.

But I just cannot see things like these and not feel sad and disturbed by them. =(

Allah, please forgive me for having these despicable bouts of anger and resentment towards these people. I am not like Hubtobe who is always so patient and kind and forgiving.

I'm going to put to private as much albums as possible.

Hubtobe tells me to doa for these people... and I will... after I doa for myself not to be too consumed by syaitan's whispers... I'm sorry I got angry. =( Only Allah has the right to be angry at his creations.

Wallahualam Bissawab...

On becoming a hijabi

"In the name of God, most Gracious, most Compassionate"

It is just shy of 3am and I am here, unable to sleep and feeling philosophical and random. This usually happens when Hubtobe is working night shifts and I've just put down the phone after talking to him for 10minutes on the phone.

I tossed and turned for a little while then my mind started drifting to whether I should move the plants tomorrow morning so they can get more sunlight and wondering how I'm going to have to wait 6 months for a new book once I've bought all the books up to date. So random right!

Then I started talking to myself, thinking about sisters I've met at school and how much I've looked up to them especially in the formulative months since the start of wearing the hijab. The more I thought of it, the more I felt I needed to start up the computer just to blog it out.

People have asked me countless times why I decided to wear the hijab and there are actually many answers that I've churned out to different people... but the real truth will always be that Allah has sent me guidance.

I think I've mentioned before that I had been reading a book that shared stories of how women struggled with their decisions to start wearing the hijab. The concluding story came from a professor who recently wrote a book called 'The politics of the veil'. An abridged version of her book can be found here. It took a scholar... a woman who was supposed to represent all things liberal and secular to knock some sense out of me. I do not know Professor Katherine Bullock personally, but I am grateful to her for writing the thesis and I pray that Allah will bless her always and be among those He loves.

When I first started to wear the hijab, I went in straight with the 45inch tudung because I did not believe in the 'trial' period some women go through where they put their scarves backwards but expose their necks or just wear a cap just enough to cover their hair. But no. When I decide to do something, I research on it, make sure I'm going to do it right and armed with knowledge. That's what I did.

According to the Quran, Surah An-Nur, verse 31:

وَقُل لِّلْمُؤْمِنَاتِ يَغْضُضْنَ مِنْ أَبْصَارِهِنَّ وَيَحْفَظْنَ فُرُوجَهُنَّ وَلَا يُبْدِينَ زِينَتَهُنَّ إِلَّا مَا ظَهَرَ مِنْهَا ۖ وَلْيَضْرِبْنَ بِخُمُرِهِنَّ عَلَىٰ جُيُوبِهِنَّ ۖ وَلَا يُبْدِينَ زِينَتَهُنَّ إِلَّا لِبُعُولَتِهِنَّ أَوْ آبَائِهِنَّ أَوْ آبَاءِ بُعُولَتِهِنَّ أَوْ أَبْنَائِهِنَّ أَوْ أَبْنَاءِ بُعُولَتِهِنَّ أَوْ إِخْوَانِهِنَّ أَوْ بَنِي إِخْوَانِهِنَّ أَوْ بَنِي أَخَوَاتِهِنَّ أَوْ نِسَائِهِنَّ أَوْ مَا مَلَكَتْ أَيْمَانُهُنَّ أَوِ التَّابِعِينَ غَيْرِ أُولِي الْإِرْبَةِ مِنَ الرِّجَالِ أَوِ الطِّفْلِ الَّذِينَ لَمْ يَظْهَرُوا عَلَىٰ عَوْرَاتِ النِّسَاءِ ۖ وَلَا يَضْرِبْنَ بِأَرْجُلِهِنَّ لِيُعْلَمَ مَا يُخْفِينَ مِن زِينَتِهِنَّ ۚ وَتُوبُوا إِلَى اللَّهِ جَمِيعًا أَيُّهَ الْمُؤْمِنُونَ لَعَلَّكُمْ تُفْلِحُونَ

And say to the believing women that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty; that they should not display their beauty and ornaments except what (must ordinarily) appear thereof; that they should draw their veils over their bosoms and not display their beauty except to their husbands, their fathers, their husband's fathers, their sons, their husbands' sons, their brothers or their brothers' sons, or their sisters' sons, or their women, or the slaves whom their right hands possess, or male servants free of physical needs, or small children who have no sense of the shame of sex; and that they should not strike their feet in order to draw attention to their hidden ornaments. And O ye Believers! turn ye all together towards Allah, that ye may attain Bliss.

And also from Surah Al Ahzab Verse 59;

يَا أَيُّهَا النَّبِيُّ قُل لِّأَزْوَاجِكَ وَبَنَاتِكَ وَنِسَاءِ الْمُؤْمِنِينَ يُدْنِينَ عَلَيْهِنَّ مِن جَلَابِيبِهِنَّ ۚ ذَ‌ٰلِكَ أَدْنَىٰ أَن يُعْرَفْنَ فَلَا يُؤْذَيْنَ ۗ وَكَانَ اللَّهُ غَفُورًا رَّحِيمًا

O Prophet! Tell thy wives and daughters, and the believing women, that they should cast their outer garments over their persons (when abroad): that is most convenient, that they should be known (as such) and not molested. And Allah is Oft- Forgiving, Most Merciful

I use Yusuf Ali's translation but I know this verse above has variations in its expression of meanings according to different translators but the main point is the same.

At the same time, my decision to wear the hijab was resented and even forbade by my parents. Astagfiruallah... I remember spending few nights crying about it. I even asked my closest friends what to do and they were very supportive and kind towards me. I did not discuss it with Hubtobe, strangely when I think about it on hindsight. I guess I did not want him to think that I was doing it for him.

So with unsupportive parents and all, I went looking for a role model I could emulate or learn from. At first I read alot of hadiths about Saidina Aisyah r.a. because she is one of the women I admire. But because she is not in person for me to observe, it was very hard for me to learn.

When I started school that semester, I became very observant of the sisters I met. I'd watch how they'd behave in the musollah... I listened to how they spoke, how they greeted each other and how they responded to sad or good news. It was like learning a new language. No one taught me all these real life islamic things, despite having gone to madrasah for 6 years. For example, I had no idea what jazakallah meant or why people said syafakillah when someone was sick. I didn't even know what the initials r.a. behind Saidina Aisyah's name meant!

But Alhamdulillah, at that time, one of my good friends became the vice president of the muslim society and I am very grateful she is one of my close friends. I asked her alot of questions and she was so kind and helpful. But I could not follow the way she dress simply because she likes to wear shawls but I don't coz I have a round face (laughs!).

Then, I went on facebook and got the shock of my life when I saw two of my acquaintances through the muslim society married! And they were still studying! Masyaallah... At first I could not understand... but as I looked at the pictures, I looked at their parents... then I understood. This was a family raised with Islam at the centre of their lives, their hearts. I felt a tinge of envy perhaps for the privilege they've had. =(

I remembered when I met this particular sister during one of our meetings, I was struck by her beauty and her fair face. I hadn't thought anyone would be so beautiful when they were covered up and yet she was. She was soft spoken and kind and gentle... the kind of woman I thought I'd never be. But when I began to wear the hijab, she became a sort of role model for me. She was married, at 21 and leading a life steep in religion and I admired her alot for it.

So I learnt by observing her when we meet in the musollah for prayers... I asked her alot of questions and slowly, I tried to be what she was simply representing- a muslimah; a woman who loves Allah.

I do consider myself more independent nowadays... plus Hubtobe is always there to remind me when I do something wrong. But I still hold high regards for this sister. It amazes me how one can be married, yet doing so much charity work, going for classes and other activities with other muslim sisters and so on.

I am still learning and I hope to increase my iman... a step at a time. And although she's unaware that she's been like a mentor to me, I pray that she will always be a source of ilmu and inspiration for other sisters (and of course her children in the future, insyaallah).

So, it has been a year now for me since I've put on the hijab and I have never felt better. Though sometimes I complain its humid, I feel naked without it. My parents have also accepted that I'm adamant about wearing the hijab and I think they realise that I've changed alot from what I was before and I know they are thankful to Hubtobe for it. =)

But there are times when I think about my past and cry about it... especially at night. And that's when it hurts the most. Wearing the hijab, doing daily prayers, fasting on mondays and thursdays when I can and going for tajwid lessons don't seem enough for me.

So I am thankful that Ramadhan is coming... and I pray that Allah preserve me in good health to be able to perform more terawih prayers this year and may I have the strength and the heart to pray for repentance this Ramadhan.

As Saidina Ali a.s. said:

"The sin that makes you sad and repentant is more liked by Allah (SWT) than the good deed which turns you arrogant."

"A sincere repentant: (1) is ashamed of his past sins (2) takes up the duties overlooked and fulfils them (3) makes good the willfully ignored conditions of a trust managed by him (4) forgives those who provoke him (5) does not demand repayment of loans from those who are in financial distress (6) makes firm determination not to sin ever again (7) surrenders his self to the adoration, devotion and service of Allah (SWT) when it had swelled to the point of exploding due to inordinate consumption of worldly pleasures, transgression and disobedience."

Wallahualam Bissawab.

To go or not to go? That is the question...

"In the name of God, most Gracious, most Compassionate"

I recently received an invitation from my school's Muslim society for an educational forum this coming Ramadhan. It sounds interesting and I want to go, although it's 6hours long, but I don't have a friend to go with.

Here's the phamplet:
How often do we review our intention in seeking knowledge? Are we even aware of the proper etiquette of seeking knowledge?

As critical thinking Muslims, we often question. Not willing to passively just accept things at face value. But, what exactly is Islam’s take on "Freedom of Thought"? Can this even be applied in Islam? And what are the "Etiquette in Seeking Knowledge"?

Indeed, this is the dilemma of the knowledge seeker. Looki...ng for answers? Join us this Ramadhan, 21st August, as we join a distinguished panel of speakers to discuss and rediscover the true purpose of seeking knowledge.

Moderator: Ustaz Nasir Johari
Panelists: Dr Albakri Ahmad, Ustaz Azrinah Abu Basri, Ustaz Muhammad Noor Deros


Is it silly to think that I should not go because my level of iman or religion is not as high or the same as the others who go there? What if they ask me a question and I have no idea what's the answer? Will they look at me and think - "How can this person be called a muslimah when she doesn't know the answer? She's wearing a hijab for godsake!"

But what pushes me to want to go for this is that the realization that seeking knowledge in the holy month of Ramadhan surely will bring about its merits. Allah knows how much there's to atone for and repent.

Allah, enlighten me!

Nisfu Sya'ban

"In the name of God, most Gracious, most Compassionate"

There are many articles online and also in books relating to this special day. Many consider some of the rituals (like reading yasin 3 times or doing a solat sunnah) a form of bid'ah while others see it as a day to expunge their sins. But I agree with this article here from Al-Mizan regarding some of the misconceptions of Nisfu Sya'ban. As such, I won't go into details about it.

For me personally, Nisfu Sya'ban is a start of a new chapter in my life. On the night of Nisfu Sya'ban at maghrib, our book of deeds are lifted to heaven and replaced with a new one. And wouldn't it be great to fill the first pages of that new book with as many good deeds as possible?

When I was younger, I used to read yasin and tahlil every thursday with my ustad and ustazah at their home where I learnt to read the Quran. So now I hope to cultivate the same habit, Insyaallah... These days, I only go for tajwid classes at their home on Monday but I still make it a habit to read the Quran at least 3 times a week, if not every night before I go to sleep. So, insyaallah, I will try to incorporate reading yasin or tahlil every thursday in time to come.

Tonight, I will be going to ustad and ustazah's house and I have decided to bring a sedekah of food for everyone. But that means I will have to stand and cook it. Ya Allah, give me the strength to stand in front of the wok and cook for usually I will be weak from fasting by 5pm.

Speaking of fasting... I bought an incredible book from the english bookshop at Darul Arqam yesterday. It's entitled 'The medicine of the Prophet'. I've only read a couple of pages but I intend to read more. So, in the book, our Prophet Muhammad s.a.w. said that there are two types of illnesses: of body and of the heart/spirit. I will talk about the book in more detail in another entry but for now I want to say that fasting is our Prophet s.a.w's way to strengthen the heart and spirit.

And right now, I need to strengthen my heart and spirit as much as I can. My mother always reminded me when I was younger that not only do our bodies (zahir) need to eat but also our spirit (batin) needs to eat and it has to be nourished with our amalans or good deeds.

So many a times, all our good deeds come to naught when we engage in just one bad deed and make Allah angry. As I've said at the very first entry, I want to begin this new chapter with more good deeds than bad.

Wallahualam bissawab

"In the name of God, most Gracious, most Compassionate"

This morning I woke up to the most excruciating pain on my left shoulder and neck. My only consolation was that I had already sahur and did my fajr prayers. Somehow after prayers I had gone back to sleep and I must have slept wrongly or 'salah bantal' as the Malays say.

So there I was, unable to turn my head to either side and worst of all, I couldn't lift up my hands to do simple tasks like tying up my hair or putting on my clothes! Astagfirallah... every movement caused me to yelp out in pain and after a while it was too much to bear so I went to my mother's room and cried for help.

After seeing the doctor and taking my medication, I went to sleep. It was difficult to even put my head gently on the pillow but I tried. And I thought about this pain:

How much is this pain compared to the pain of hell-fire and torture in the grave? I can't imagine... but I think this pain must be less than the pain of giving birth (something I may experience someday).

But I am thankful for this pain and for everytime I fall sick because I take it as a sign of kafarah for my sins. May He inflict this pain and suffering now for my minor sins than for me to experience them after death. Don't you agree?

So may the tears I shed help cleanse me from my past sins... Insyaallah.

Innalillah we innalillah hi rajiun...
Syafakillah, may I get well soon

Amin

A first for everything

"In the name of God, most Gracious, most Compassionate"

It's been a while since I've planned to open up a blog and so I've finally done it. I've been putting off writing a blog for a variety of reasons but after reading a few muslimah blogs, I've decided it's time.

I want to use this blog mainly to record my spiritual journey - it's been a year since I've put on the hijab and every day it is a challenge for me because putting on a hijab is not just about covering your hair; it's also about watching your words, your actions and increasing your iman. I am here now, learning to love Rasulallah s.a.w and always doing things in remembrance of Allah every day.

In a few days, it will be Nisfu Syaaban, a day where our book of deeds are carried to heaven and replaced with a new one. It is my hope that I would be able to fill that book with more pahala than dosa in the coming year. Insyaallah.

Hopefully, through my writings, I would be able to achieve some level of kafarah; a chance to cover my past sins and repent with taubatan nasuhah in the name of Allah.

At the same time, I hope to learn as much along the way from other women on other blogs, from those more knowledgeable than I and of course, from my own mistakes.