Dependence

Today I visited one of my aunts and we were talking about another aunt who has been through a lot in her life and there was one thing that my aunt said that struck at my heart:

She said that when Allah has chosen someone very special, He will put forth in front of this person obstacle after obstacle; taking away each and every one of the persons that he/she depends on such that the only one left to depend on is Him.

And it made me tear.

The aunt we're talking about is a cancer patient but beyond that, she has lost all three of her precious daughters -the first was taken at a young age, then the second is mentally ill and the third and the one whom she put all her hopes for passed away a few years back. That daughter was only 40 then.

It's a sad story and yet this aunt never shed a tear or blamed God or anyone for everything that has happened to her. She's cancer stricken and yet she cares for her mentally ill daughter and does her best to support them both as well as provide an anchor to her grandchildren (those from her late daughter).

A pious woman who truly deserves our prayers.

It just made me think - sometimes we think that God has forgotten us when He puts before us so much hardship... but what if He is truly thinking of us every step of the way; that's why He has carefully planned these obstacles so we will always seek Him in remembrance.

Wallahualambisawab

Ya Allah... please give me the strength to go through this week. I have so much assignments and I'm so lost and tired and stressed but I see this as a test towards the knowledge that You have conferred on mankind.

I am hunbled at Your knowledge and at the little that I have grasp all these while.

Your humble servant is grateful that You are willing to share Your wealth with me... and I pray forgiveness for all my procrastinations and neglect in achieving the best of it.

Amin.

My life does not belong to me

That is the philosophy of a friend of mine. She believes in giving back to society, helping others and sharing what good that Allah has given her for the better of Mankind. Alhamdulillah.

So today when I saw her face in the newspaper, I was so happy for her. She was one of the students who got accepted into the University scholarship programme and is being sent to various places like Thailand and India to work with children who cannot afford to go to school. I think she will be sent there to teach them.

But what strikes me about this particular friend is how she continues to push herself despite all the difficulties that Allah has placed before her. I remembered in college, she was allocated a school that was very far from her home but she still went and did very well. And then in university, her father passed away, leaving her as the eldest at 22 years old to take care of the family. Her mother is a housewife and has no qualifications so she was afraid to start working at that time.

Well... I am so happy for her that Allah has given her this rezeki... may the scholarship open up more doors for her in the future... I remembered telling her after her father died that life was going to be tough... but she will always have her friends and family and she must never lose faith in God. When He takes something from us, He will return us something else in forms that we may not even expect.

I pray for her that she will always be in remembrance of Allah... and may He bless them with bountiful rezeki always. As she always says, 'my life does not belong to me' and yes... because it belongs to Allah.

Amin.

I'm so stressed out =(

"In the name of God, most Gracious, most Compassionate"

I am very stressed right now. Partly, I am afraid of the daunting tasks that lies ahead of me.

I am in my final semester of my studies and I'm barely there at a cumulative GPA of 4.16 to qualify for an Second Class Upper Honours. Without that qualification, I cannot continue my Masters. -cries-

I would be fine if my subjects this year are as easy as the ones in the previous semester. But they are not.

1) Power, Politics and State.
This is as horrible as it's title sounds. I hate politics and I steer away from topics such as these but now I have no choice as it is the only module that I have yet to do. It is a difficult topic with a difficult Professor.

2) Then I have 2 history modules... one is the History of Civilizations, which I am looking forward to but I know it is content heavy so -sigh- Then there's Special Topics in History which is focused on the Chinese Dynasties and I really am not a fan of China's history. They have way too many dynasties and hundreds of years of histories to remember. =(

3) Then there's my Research Paper. My supervisor isn't even supervising me with anything. Basically, he just meets me once a year just to clarify certain things. ARGH. But then... I guess I have to be independent huh? But really... I do need some guidance.

Which brings me to the ultimate Guide- Allah. I feel so small and so afraid and I only can pray that He helps me along the way.

The purpose of me working so hard is for the knowledge and to make my parents proud. I want to achieve these for the sake of Allah...

May He open my heart and lend me the Ilham to achieve what I have set out to do.

Amin.

Planning....

"In the name of God, most Gracious, most Compassionate"

Alhamdullilah, my recess week is over. Somehow I find myself at a loss with so much free time that scheduling seems redundant. Today is a good Monday morning and so I have a few things to write down just for my own remembrance:

1) I am grateful to have my professor supervisor; even though he is very demanding and very difficult to please. He is very prompt in his replies to my emails and always gives me questions and pointers that make me think deeply. Insyaallah, under his guidance, I will have a better planning exercise and I will produce a good thesis paper. I pray that Allah will make this journey for me a little easier.

2) Today I saw a friend posting something on facebook that went like this- If you have a target to get wed, why not also have a target to go to haj?
It struck me that one. Of course, I would love to go to haj. Another friend commented that it's not just the spiritual and financial preparations but also freeing up time. Hubtobe and I have sort of planned [though hazy] that we should go to umrah, or haj before/during our holidays before we see the world. This is of course subject to whether we marry before or after my masters. But I do so wish to have some time for ourselves to travel and do our umrah and/or haj before the kids come. But then again, I found out about someone who planned to go to haj after her third child has weaned off and they would go before they have a fourth child. Masyaallah.... and they planned this at the very start of their marriage. =)

3) I plan to take it one day at a time. Somehow things are getting harder for me, since that day. Each day to rebuild myself and to have a stronger faith that Allah is the best of all planners.

Insyaallah...

Amin...

Humbling reminder

"In the name of God, most Gracious, most Compassionate"

Today I came across this ayat in the Quran and thought it would be best to share it here. It reminded me about the Greatness of Allah and how we as humans must never forget that we need Him but He doesn't need us:

أَلَمْ تَرَ أَنَّ اللَّهَ خَلَقَ السَّمَاوَاتِ وَالْأَرْضَ بِالْحَقِّ ۚ إِن يَشَأْ يُذْهِبْكُمْ وَيَأْتِ بِخَلْقٍ جَدِيدٍ

 

Seest thou not that Allah created the heavens and the earth in Truth? If He so will, He can remove you and put (in your place) a new creation?

   وَمَا ذَ‌ٰلِكَ عَلَى اللَّهِ بِعَزِيزٍ

 Nor is that for Allah any great matter.

Just two lines... but so powerful. Masyaallah. I could literally 'hear' Allah saying the last line to Mankind. I actually said 'wow' after reading that line. It's like a slap to my face perhaps, as a reminder that our existence here is only because Allah wills it. Any difficulties and any ease which He gives to our lives are His decisions alone.

This reminds me of a video from youtube that I watched about a poor, blind old lady whom when interviewed about her poverty, never stopped praising God. Here's the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IFqfVIxGPlY&feature=player_embedded

One of the questions that the reporter asked was: So Ummi, do you have any children? Do they come and visit you? And she said- Allah is always with me, I do not need anyone else.

Masyaallah... truly, the most grateful are those who get so little but are thankful for so much. I pray for that old lady and I also pray that I could attain that level of thankfulness for everything in my life.

Wallahualam Bissawab

Shukran for this remedy...

"In the name of God, most Gracious, most Compassionate"

I am thankful to Brother Hamid for posting this entry here.

But I'd like to put up something he shared about the Prophet s.a.w; a beautiful do'a that is full of sincerity, humily and total subordination to Allah... I cried when I read this and i find it so humbling that I am crippled for words to describe it.

 

“O Allah! Unto You do I complain of my weakness, of my helplessness and of my lowliness before men. O most Merciful of the merciful. O Lord of the weak and my Lord too. Into whose hands have you entrusted me? Unto some far off stranger who receives me with hostility? Or unto a foe whom you have empowered against me? I care not, so long as You are not angry with me. But Your favouring help, that were for me the broader way and the wider scope. I take refuge in the light of Your countenance whereby all darknesses are illuminated and all things of this world and the next are rightly ordered, lest You make descend Your anger upon me or lest Your wrath beset me. Yet it is Yours to reproach until You are well pleased. There is no power and no might except through Thee.”
 

Masyaallah...

And something to remind myself....

When someone rejects you in any aspect of life, do not get disheartened, rather rejoice within yourself saying to yourself Allahukaber! Worst could have happened, Alhumdulillah! It didn't happened. My Creator plan's are, indeed better than those of his best of creations (human beings).Its better to get rejected at first place than to get divorced later (in every aspect of life).What have I lost? Nothing! What belongs to me after all that i may loose.


I accept all that He has decreed upon me for He knows best what I know not. 

He has given me this opportunity to increase my faith in Him and search for His love; a love above all else. 

I put all my faith in His plans for they are the best for me and for my religion.

Weird Questions

"In the name of God, most Gracious, most Compassionate"

I think my mother is ready to see me married off. =)
She asked me why have I not asked Hubtobe to come? Lol. Then she goes to say, she doesn't think his mom would come here. Well... you'd never know. =)

Lately she's been wanting to ask me two weird questions.

She hasn't asked me this question yet because she says she's afraid I'm going to scold her and/or ignore her.  

But I know what that question is:

Why did I break up with my ex-bf?

I am surprised she's even asking me this question because I thought she of all people would know best. But then again, I am a very private person with my emotions especially to my family members.

Then the second question is:

Why do I like Hubtobe so much? He's [put in all imperfections here] but why do you still like him ah?

Again, I'm surprised she doesn't see why. =)

Another thing she's worried is because Hubtobe and I are quite related and she worries that if we were to break off, then it'd be awkward if we met each other at family events etc. I wish she would not think like that... because Allah knows what's best for us and our religion. If He deems it best for our family, then it is and it will happen. 

Allah has answered both our prayers. I know He has. Only that I don't know what's that answer. But I believe that Allah knows best and in Him alone I put all my faith and trust. In Him alone I put my hopes and my dreams. And for Him alone I strive for excellence in all knowledge, my love, my family and my life. 

Amin.

Burning the Holy Book...

"In the name of God, most Gracious, most Compassionate"

Astaghfirallah... 

I pray that they do not go ahead with the burning of the Quran... 

Do they not see that the Holy Quran has references from the Bible too? That the Holy Quran honours and puts Jesus in high regards? 

One of the five pillars of Islam states that we must believe in all the holy books sent down to man from Allah and that includes the Torah and Bible too and never have Muslims burnt those books... so why do they have to burn something they do not understand?

These people who want to burn the Quran... have they even read it once in their lives? But more importantly, have they even read their own book enough to say that both books are not from God? Na'uzubilla...

I am too far away to do anything but it pains me greatly that this is going to happen. 

Only Allah knows what's the best punishment for such a sin.

Mistakes during Ramadhan

"In the name of God, most Gracious, most Compassionate"

My father is back from Korea and it feels good to hear his voice again when he's praying and doing his wirid. It's comforting... when I was really young I used to be waken up by his voice during subuh but then I'd just lie and listen to him. His intonation of his surahs and all never change one bit.

Anyway, here's a post I saw on Facebook and the lady said we should share it, so I will. =)

Mistakes during Ramadhan

Taking Ramadaan as a ritual.

For many of us Ramadaan has lost its spirituality and has become more of a ritual than a form of Ibaadah. We fast from morning to night like a zombie just because everyone around us is fasting too. We forget that its a time to purify our hearts and our souls from all evil....we forget to make dua, forget to beseech Allaah to forgive us and ask Him to save us from the Fire. Sure we stay away from food and drink but that's about all.Although the Prophet (Sal Allaahu Alaiyhi wa Sallam) said: "Jibreel said to me,'May Allaah rub his nose in the dust, that person to who Ramadaan comes and his sins are not forgiven,' and I said, 'Ameen'. Then he said, 'May Allaah rub his nose in the dust, that person who lives to see his parents grow old, one or both of them, but he does not enter Paradise (by not serving them) and I said, 'Ameen'.Then he said, 'May Allaah rub his nose in the dust, that person in whose presence you are mentioned and he does not send blessings upon you,' and I said, 'Ameen.'" (Tirmidhi, Ahmad, others. Saheeh by al-Albaani)

Too much stress on food and drink.

For some people, the entire month of Ramadaan revolves around food. They spend the ENTIRE day planning, cooking, shopping and thinking about only food, instead of concentrating on Salaah, Quraan and other acts of worship. All they can think of is FOOD. So much so that they turn the month of 'fasting' into the month of 'feasting'. Come Iftaar time, their table is a sight to see, with the multitudes and varieties of food, sweets and drinks. They are missing the very purpose of fasting, and thus, increase in their greed and desires instead of learning to control them. It is also a kind of waste & extravagance.'.....and eat and drink but waste not by extravagance, certainly He (Allaah) likes not Al-Musrifoon (those who waste by extravagance)' [al-Araaf :31]

Spending all day cooking

Some of the sisters (either by their own choice or forced by their husbands) are cooking ALL day and ALL night, so that by the end of the day, they are too tired to even pray Ishaa, let alone pray Taraweeh or Tahajjud or even read Quraan. This is the month of mercy and forgiveness. So turn off that stove and turn on your Imaan!

Eating too much

Some people stuff themselves at Suhoor until they are ready to burst, because they think this is the way to not feel hungry during the day and some people eat at Iftaar, like there is no tomorrow, trying to 'make up for the food missed.' However, this is completely against the Sunnah. Moderation is the key to everything. The Prophet (Sal Allaahu Alaiyhi wa Sallam) said: 'The son of Adam does not fill any vessel worse than his stomach; for the son of Adam a few mouthfuls are sufficient to keep his back straight. If you must fill it, then one-third for food, one-third for drink and one-third for air.' (Tirmidhi, Ibn Maajah. saheeh by al-Albaani). Too much food distracts a person from many deeds of obedience and > worship, makes him lazy and also makes the heart heedless. It was said to Imam Ahmad: Does a man find any softness and humility in his heart when he is full? He said, I do not think so.

Sleeping all day

Some people spend their entire day (or a major part of it) 'sleeping away their fast'. Is this what is really required of us during this noble month? These people also are missing the purpose of fasting and are slaves to their desires of comfort and ease. They cannot 'bear' to be awake and face a little hunger or exert a little self-control. For a fasting person to spend most of the day asleep is nothing but, negligence on his part.

Wasting time

The month of Ramadaan is a precious, precious time, so much so that Allaah calls this month 'Ayyamum Ma'doodaat' (A fixed number of days). Before we know it, this month of mercy and forgiveness will be over. We should try and spend every moment possible in the worship of Allaah so that we can make the most of this blessing. However, there are some of us who waste away their day playing video games, or worse still, watching TV, movies or even listening to music. Subhaan Allaah! Trying to obey Allaah by DISOBEYING him!

Fasting but not giving up evil

Some of us fast but do not give up lying, cursing, fighting, backbiting, etc. and some of us fast but do not give up cheating, stealing, dealing in haraam, buying lotto tickets, selling alcohol, fornication, etc. and all kinds of impermissible things without realizing that the purpose of fasting is to not stay away from food and drink; rather the aim behind it is to fear Allaah. "O you who believe! Fasting is prescribed for you as it was prescribed for those before you, that you may become Al-Muttaqoon (the pious)" [al-Baqarah 2:183] The Prophet (Sal Allaahu Alaiyhi wa Sallam) said: 'Whoever does not give up false speech and acting upon it, and ignorance, Allaah has no need of him giving up his food and drink.' (Bukhaari)

Smoking

Smoking is forbidden in Islam whether during Ramadaan or outside of it, as it is one of al-Khabaa'ith (evil things). And this includes ALL kinds of 'smoking material' eg.cigars, cigarettes, pipes,'Sheesha', hookah etc. 'he allows them as lawful At Tayyibaat (all good and lawful things), and prohibits them as unlawful Al Khabaa'ith (all evil and unlawful things) [al-A'raaf :157] It is harmful, not only to the one smoking, but also to the ones around him. It is also a means of wasting ones wealth. The Prophet (Sal Allaahu Alaiyhi wa Sallam) said: 'There should be no harming or reciprocating harm.' This is especially true during fasting and it invalidates the fast.(Fatwa -Ibn 'Uthaymeen)

Skipping Suhoor

The Prophet (Sal Allaahu Alaiyhi wa Sallam) said: 'Eat suhoor for in suhoor there is blessing.'(Bukhaari, Muslim). And he (Sal Allaahu Alaiyhi wa Sallam) said: 'The thing thatdifferentiates between our fasting and the fasting of the People of the Book is eating suhoor.' (Muslim) Some people are too scared to fast if they miss Suhoor. However, this is a kind of cowardice and love of ease. What is the big deal if you missed a few morsels of food? It's not like you will die. Remember, obedience to Allaah overcomes everything.

Delaying breaking fast

Some people wait until the adhaan finishes or even several minutes after that, just to be 'on the safe side'. However, the Sunnah is to hasten to break the fast, which means breaking fast whenever the adhaan starts, right after the sun has set. Aa'ishah (RA) said: This is what the Messenger of Allaah (Sal Allaahu Alaiyhi wa Sallam) used to do. (Muslim) The Prophet (Sal Allaahu Alaiyhi wa Sallam) said: 'The people will continue to do well so long as they hasten to break the fast.' (Bukhaari, Muslim) Determine to the best of your ability, the accuracy of your clock, calendar, etc. and then have tawakkul on Allaah and break your fast exactly on time.

Eating continuously until the time for Maghrib is up

Some people put so much food in their plates when breaking their fast and continue eating, enjoying dessert, drinking tea, etc., until they miss Maghrib. That is obviously not right. The Sunnah of the Prophet (pbuh) was that once he broke his fast with some dates, them he would hasten to the prayer. Once you are done with the prayer, you can always go back and eat some more if you wish.The prayer of the fasting person is guaranteed to be accepted at the time of breaking fast.The Prophet (Sal Allaahu Alaiyhi wa Sallam) said: 'Three prayers are not rejected: the prayer of a father, the prayer of a fasting person, and the prayer of a traveler.' (al-Bayhaqi, saheeh by al-Albaani). Instead of sitting down and making Dua at this precious time, some people forego this beautiful chance, and are too busy frying samosas, talking, setting the food, filling their plates and glasses, etc. Think about it....Is food more important than the chance to have your sins forgiven or the fulfillment of your Duas.

Fasting but not praying

The fasting of one who does not pray WILL NOT BE ACCEPTED. This is because not praying constitutes kufr as the Prophet (Sal Allaahu Alaiyhi wa Sallam) said: 'Between a man and shirk and kufr there stands his giving up prayer.' (Muslim) In fact, NONE of his good deeds will be accepted; rather, they are all annulled. 'Whoever does not pray 'Asr, his good deeds will be annulled.' (Bukhaari)

Fasting and not wearing Hijaab

Not wearing the Hijaab is a major sin as it is obligatory for Muslim women. (See Surah Nur, Surah Ahzaab). So fasting and not wearing hijaab certainly takes away enormously from the rewards of fasting, even if does not invalidate it.

Not fasting because of exams or work

Exams or work is NOT one of the excuses allowed by the Shariah to not fast. You can do your studying and revision at night if it is too hard to do that during the day. Also remember that pleasing and obeying Allaah is much more important than 'good grades'. Besides, if you will fulfil your obligation to fast, even if you have to study, Allaah will make it easy for you and help you in everything you do. 'Whosoever fears Allah, He will appoint for him a way out and provide for him from where he does not expect, Allah is Sufficient for whosoever puts his trust in Him.' (Surah at-Talaaq 2-3)

Mixing fasting and Dieting

DO NOT make the mistake of fasting with the intention to diet. That is one of the biggest mistakes some of us make (esp. sisters). Fasting is an act of worship and can only be for the sake of Allah alone. Otherwise, mixing it with the intention of dieting may become a form of (minor) Shirk. There is no specific number of rak'ahs for Taraweeh prayer, rather it is permissible to do a little or a lot. Both 8 and 20 are okay. Shaykh Ibn 'Uthaymeen said: 'No one should be denounced for praying eleven or twenty-three (raka'ah), because the matter is broader in scope than that, praise be to Allaah.

Praying ONLY on the night of the 27th

Some people pray ONLY on the 27th to seek Lailat ul-Qadr, neglecting all other odd nights, although the Prophet (Sal Allaahu Alaiyhi wa Sallam) said: 'Seek Lailat ul-Qadr among the odd numbered nights of the last ten nights of Ramadaan.' (Bukhaari, Muslim).

Wasting the last part of Ramadaan preparing for Eid

Some people waste the entire last 10 days of Ramadaan preparing for Eid, shopping and frequenting malls, etc. neglecting Ibadah and Lailatul Qadr. although, the Prophet (Sal Allaahu Alaiyhi wa Sallam) used to strive the hardest during the last ten days of Ramadaan in worship (Ahmad, Muslim) and not in shopping. Buy whatever you need for Eid before Ramadaan so that you can utilize the time in Ramadaan to the max. Aa'ishah (RA) said: "When the (last) ten nights began, the Messenger of Allaah (Sal Allaahu Alaiyhi wa Sallam)) would tighten his waist-wrapper (i.e., strive hard in worship or refrain from intimacy with his wives), stay awake at night and wake his family." (Bukhaari and Muslim).

Iftaar parties

Although inviting each other for breaking fast is something good and encouraged, some people go to extremes with lavish 'Iftaar parties' with all sorts of disobedience to Allaah, from flirting, mixing of the sexes and hijaab-less women, to show-off and extravagance, to heedlessness to Salaah, and Taraweeh to even music and dancing.

I hope the above serves as a reminder for us...

Wallahualam Bissawab

Night Prayers; Qiamulaill

"In the name of God, most Gracious, most Compassionate"

The uncertainty of how to perform these night prayers for the last 10 days or better known as Qiamulaill has made me restless and unable to sleep thus I went online to search for some answers.

But before I begin this long entry, I just want to sedekah an Al-Fatihah to an old friend of mine from way back in secondary school who has recently met with a sad incident. Inalillah... I told him that it is still Ramadhan and Allah has taken something away from him for a reason and he should redha and not be angry at his fate.

Alright, so to begin this 'lesson' proper, I'd like to quote some verses from Surah Al-Muzzammil ayat 1-8:

يَا أَيُّهَا الْمُزَّمِّلُ

O thou folded in garments!.

قُمِ اللَّيْلَ إِلَّا قَلِيلًا

Stand (to prayer) by night, but not all night,-

نِّصْفَهُ أَوِ انقُصْ مِنْهُ قَلِيلًا.

Half of it,- or a little less,

أَوْ زِدْ عَلَيْهِ وَرَتِّلِ الْقُرْآنَ تَرْتِيلًا.

Or a little more; and recite the Qur'an in slow, measured rhythmic tones.

إِنَّا سَنُلْقِي عَلَيْكَ قَوْلًا ثَقِيلًا.

Soon shall We send down to thee a weighty Message

إِنَّ نَاشِئَةَ اللَّيْلِ هِيَ أَشَدُّ وَطْئًا وَأَقْوَمُ قِيلًا.

Truly the rising by night is most potent for governing (the soul), and most suitable for (framing) the Word (of Prayer and Praise).

إِنَّ لَكَ فِي النَّهَارِ سَبْحًا طَوِيلًا

True, there is for thee by day prolonged occupation with ordinary duties:

وَاذْكُرِ اسْمَ رَبِّكَ وَتَبَتَّلْ إِلَيْهِ تَبْتِيلًا

But keep in remembrance the name of thy Lord and devote thyself to Him whole-heartedly.

And that... is in essence what Qiamulaill is really about. The later part of the night (1/2am till sahur time) should be spent in ibadah with the sole purpose of pleasing Allah and seeking forgiveness and kindness from Him. In addition to reading the Quran, here are the prayers that can be performed accordingly:

1. Solat Sunat Tahajjud
2. Solat Sunat Hajat
3. Solat Sunat Taubat
4. Solat Sunat Tasbih
5. Solat Sunat Witir

Here are some sites that came in useful for me:
http://www.epondok.com.my/index.php?p=mutiarailmu/qiamullail.php
http://www.scribd.com/doc/5462255/Panduan-Solat-Tarawih-Witir-Tahajjud-Qiamullail-yang-Benar

It's quite alot for a first timer like me... but insyaallah I will be able to do it.

Doing Research

"In the name of God, most Gracious, most Compassionate"

I've been thinking alot about my thesis paper this coming semester and its giving me slight headaches. But the real headache will begin once I know who is my supervising tutor and of course when I actually start collecting data and so on.

But for now, the preparations should have already begun. I have about two weeks before school officially starts and over the past months I had collected about 10 articles... but I don't think that's enough. Yes I know, I'm such a hardworking perfectionist. I am not sure if I need more but I intent to do a complete literature review of these articles before I start school.

My thesis idea is not confirmed as of yet, but it should roughly be covering the meaning of 'leisure' for indonesian domestic maids in Singapore. Unlike their Filipino counterparts, they do not have a fixed rest day and it is negotiable on a case to case basis. This, I have to support with evidence from their agency as well as whatever body that is governing their work regulations.

Truth is, I am looking forward to my thesis project... yes it will be tiring and I will meet alot of rejections here and there but insyaallah, I will persevere.

Sometimes, it is difficult for me to explain to Hubtobe how to study or how to excel in one's discipline when we have different levels of passion for the subject we are studying. I admit that I am a bookworm... and I devour books, articles and journals with no mercy; scrutinizing every detail and re-writing them all out in my own words.

Academia is like that... even in a mathematical book, a good command of english is needed to comprehend the rubbish and twisted way these academics write. Seriously... over the years, I have read works of dead scholars from the 1800s and they have such a way with their language that it is uncomprehendable!

But the true challenge of academia and research is producing your own thoughts... I see it as a puzzle... I take bits and pieces of ideas from few scholars and try to merge them into my own... and then find evidence from the real world to support it. You have to see that every scholar is writing in a 'pure' type of analysis, meaning that they usually try to explain phenomenons in its extreme forms to highlight its incredulity. I mean just take Karl Marx's idea of communism, in its pure form; yet no society in the world is able to emulate this pure form in all its precisions- suggesting that, this pure form cannot really exist. But of course, you could argue otherwise, if you like. =)

Alright! I'm going back to reading the 10 articles and hopefully I won't get too exhausted and mentally drained by buka time.

May Allah open my mind and my heart into understanding these knowledge that He has made available to me.

Doa before studying:

الْفَهْمِ. اَللَّهُمَّ افْتَحْ عَلَيْنَا اَبْوَابَ رَحْمَتِكَ، وَانْشُرْ عَلَيْنَا خَزَآئِنَ عُلُوْمِكَ بِرَحْمَتِكَ يَااَرْحَمَ الرَّاحِمِيْنَ

Ya Allah, bukakan kepada kami pintu-pintu rahmat-Mu, dan curahkan kepada kami khazanah-khazanah ilmu-Mu dengan rahmat-Mu wahai Yang Maha Pengasih dari segala yang mengasihi.

Oh Allah, help us open the doors of Your rahmat, and pour onto us all the vessals of Your knowledge with Your rahmat, for You are the most Compassionate of all those who are compassionate.

Amin

Adventure Saturday!

"In the name of God, most Gracious, most Compassionate"

Although it was a long, hot and humid day, I seemed to get alot of things done and 2/3 of it was spent on ibadah. Alhamdulillah...

Speaking of Alhamdulillah... today me and Hubtobe were exploring mosques and chanced upon Masjid Omar Kampong Melaka, near Havelock Road and it is so beautiful and so clean and so comfortable... almost like my other favourite mosque- Abdul Hamid Mosque. Oh yeah, and when I entered the female prayer room and saw that it was fully air conditioned, I smsed Hubtobe and said 'Hurray!' to which he chided me "Mane keSyukuran? Bukan cakap Hurray..." (where's your sense of gratefulness... not say hurray)

Ooops... I was just so happy and excited that I was going to enjoy peace and quiet in a comfortable mosque that I forgot for a moment. Apparently they've revamped the place and it looks really lovely now. Here's a photo I took from Wikipedia:



Prior to our visit to this mosque, we went to Funan to get Hubtobe's antivirus for his computer. It's been quite some time since we walked in town and especially now that it's Ramadan, walking in town isn't such a good thing. Hubtobe mentioned that town is not really a muslim-friendly place. Yes there is Al-Falah mosque and other musollah's here and there but the people who crowd the streets can really challenge one's iman.

I think for him, he has to lower his gaze more than I do because the women on the streets are quite scantily clad at times and it's hard to keep your eyes on the floor especially in a crowded area. Unlike me, I'm quite oblivious to my surroundings at times. Heh heh.

Well... that aside... I'm so happy I finally got a new foundation powder, eyeliner and lipstick (basic makeup really). I seem to have lost mine somehow. Hubtobe helped to choose the lipstick colour. He was so funny and so choosy! I prefered the neutral tones but he said he wanted something red and an image of a pin-up girl came to my head. But eventually we compromised to a colour called chestnut that was a mix of reddish brown. =)

Alright, to top it all, we did terawih at Masjid Sultan... it was lovely... The second Imam drove me to tears. Well... sniffles more like it. I was touched by his rendition of the surahs. He sounded like the Imam from Al-Khair though. Plus Masjid Sultan is spacious and it wasn't so crowded. I know its best if the mosque is filled to the brim... but sometimes I appreciate some space too... coz we always end up sitting on each other's feet during tahiyat akhir. -laughs-

Well... a day with Hubtobe is always a day well spent and although I'm really tired from all the walking and standing, I am grateful that Allah has given me the strength and the health to still persevere through the day. Alhamdullillah.

Also, at the end of the day, I know you know, Lihub Billah...

Terawih Prayers!

"In the name of God, most Gracious, most Compassionate"

Alhamdulillah, we've made it through the first day of Ramadhan. Allah had been kind and merciful to us for making it a cool breezy and rainy day, making it easier to get through the day.

But today is very hot and even though I am indoors, there's alot of work to do! Laundry, cleaning up the cupboards and finally, checking emails and writing an entry. Heh heh.

Well, today I want to write about my first terawih prayer for the year.

Unlike many people, I do my first two weeks of terawih at my ustad and ustazah's house and over the years, they have become very like family to me and my family. Its been over 10 years since we've known them and alhamdulillah, I am still learning something new from them each week.

Terawih prayers when I was younger was more fun because ustad and ustazah's kids were still young and we'd all pray together, along with our other friends. But now that we're all grown up, it is very hard to get all the kids together. But, at least the youngest two and the eldest are still around.

Terawih prayers at their house is always very meaningful to me because I see a father who has raised 7 children as a sole breadwinner and yet, very humble and simple. Their house is simple and the most important part of the house is the hall because that's where it's most spacious for prayers. =) On one side of the wall, there are books on religion and alot of Qurans. It's actually very beautiful and like I said before, I am going to buy more books to make a library like that.

Well, but on weekends, I hope to ask Hubtobe to let me follow him to terawih.

This year, I am hoping to go for the Qiyamul Layl. I'm not sure how possible is that, considering that the last week of Ramadan is my first week of school... but I will try my best, insyaallah.

Oh yes, and I am going for that forum on knowledge at Sultan Mosque! I am so excited!

Alhamdulillah, it's Ramadhan...

"In the name of God, most Gracious, most Compassionate"

Alhamdulillah... Ramadhan is here again.

I am thankful to Allah for the health that He has given to me and my family as well as the kindness and rezeki that He has blessed us with.

I am a little sad that I am unable to go for terawih today but insyaallah, I will be able to do so tomorrow.

Right now, I believe the spirits of the deceased are let free from their punishments in the grave and I know they are grateful for the 1 month of solace... and they will come to see us... to see if we still remember them; if we are children with iman or are we lost and break their heart... Someday after I'm gone, I will experience the same thing as well... and I pray that I will see my children and their children always remembering Allah...

May we be given the health and longevity to face the coming Ramadhan, for it will test our will power and iman to the greatest. I am thankful that this month is finally here.

Amin

Forgive me...

"In the name of God, most Gracious, most Compassionate"

I begin this entry with a bismillah... for I know that He always hears us- all that we say and all that we don't say. Only He understands the silences and understands all that we cannot hear.

Tomorrow is the start of Ramadhan... and I begin this holy month with a heavy heart... a heart laden with guilt, shame and sins. May Allah give me the strength to endure this magnificent month of Ramadhan... may He be most forgiving and merciful to His servants' pleas...

Today had been a long and painful day for me and my family... and it was very hard for me to emerge out of the disappointment realizing two things:

1) Allah has answered our prayers... He has kept my brother safe... He has protected him from harm and because I believe in Allah, I trust that He has willed this to happen to guide my brother back to the right path.

2) That my parents have to be stronger to be able to understand the above and not simply see His doings as a block in a person's lifetime. There is no trust in Allah... and no belief that He is the one most capable of showing to us all what is the right path... every difficulty He gave us is a lesson for us all... But did my parents get what that lesson was?

The lesson was that... we as the elders... as the guardians did not pray enough... for ourselves and for our loved ones... we did not doa enough and did not fear Allah enough... And our greatest mistake was that we did not guide him enough... Allah has given us the responsibility to guide and teach our young but we did not do it enough. But that is not to say that Allah is hard to please... He sees our efforts and I am sure He acknowledges them but He wants us to be better muslims and muslimahs... He is giving us the chance to increase our iman and our love for Him... so we should take it.

That is why when I saw my brother today, I did not scold him or beat him... neither did I cry... instead I asked if he has eaten and that he should sleep and rest until he's ready to talk.

Maybe now I understand that dream I had two days ago... when I was cradling a young boy (who looked like Aang by the way) and someone said I was spoiling him... but the boy was crying... and I still held him close even when I know he had done something bad... because I guess you will begin to see and understand problems and their solutions when you love a little more... in the name of Allah...

Therefore... I am sorry my little brother for I have not loved you enough... and I had not guided you enough... I thought that by showing you the things me and your brother do for Allah, you would be motivated to emulate them... but I guess I was wrong. So I will try... to reach out to you, as I have promised Him last night when I prayed that He'd keep you safe from harm.

Ya Allah, I am grateful that you have been kind and merciful to us and kept my brother safe... and for giving him the chance to return to the right path.

Amin.

Wallahualam Bissawab...

Remembering the battles

"In the name of God, most Gracious, most Compassionate"

It is 6.15am. The alarm clock rings; signalling that it's time for subuh. Snooze.
It's 6.30am. The alarm clock rings again. Snooze.
By the time it gets to 6.45am, I tell myself either one of these two phrases:

1) I'll just do it when I wake up at whatever time later
2) I must get up or else Allah will be angry with me. xf azan subuh "solat is better than sleeping"

So each day it's like that... a battle to wake up especially for subuh prayers. Sometimes I wish we had something like this in college.

I vaguely remembered the first time Hubtobe dragged me to a mosque. I can't remember which one exactly coz we've been to so many. But I remembered the feeling of shame and stupidity when I saw others around me all covered so decently and behaving like as if the mosque is their home- their comfort in the house of God, humbled me.

I remembered trying to recall how to do my ablution and then later how to read my tahiyat akhir... it was very challenging and I remembered going home, finding my book on solat from my primary school days and learning all over again.

I also remembered the shock when after Maghrib prayers, I saw everyone around me getting up and doing prayers even though the iqama' wasn't announced yet. I was scared and confused. Only later did I ask Hubtobe what was it and he said they were doing solat Rawatib. Phew! But after a few months, I did dare myself to try doing the Rawatib; especially so when I'm in the mosque. Truth is... the more solat you do in the mosque, the more you feel at home in it... and I suppose that was the feeling I saw on the women's faces the first time I went to a mosque.

At that time, I still had not put on the hijab and trust me... women in the mosque DO give you THAT kind of look when you enter without covering your hair. Despite wearing a turtle neck and long skirt, I felt naked... and naked was how I felt each time I went into mosques... and the nakedness feeling continued even when I was in public.

I remembered going to the library because I felt so lost and so exposed. There, I picked a book entitled 'Why I started to wear the hijab' and I spent the whole night reading and crying over it.

I didn't tell Hubtobe about my experience the night before and I think I surprised him one day when we met and I was wearing the hijab already. And despite the humid weather, I was really happy to be covered. I remembered being so happy that day when we went to the mosque to pray Asar and Maghrib.

I have alot to thank Hubtobe for... it was him who helped me walk back to the straight path. He never forced but always spoke kindly and gently even though I was sometimes stubborn and defiant.

I remembered during the first few months, he would sms me every few hours to ask if I have performed the required solat of the day. It annoyed me alot but it was also like a reminder. Furthermore, I couldn't lie to him... I felt that if I lied to such an honest soul, God would double my punishments.

But now... more than a year has passed and Hubtobe does not need to remind me about anything anymore. And I'm grateful.

People always ask me why do I love him so much even when he has much imperfections (don't we all?) and I wish I could tell them... that I love him because he has helped me reconcile my true love which is for Allah... but they are not ready yet to understand this because they have not reconciled their love for Him.

There is more that I want to learn and even more that I want to learn together with Hubtobe.

Insyaallah, that time will come sooner. Amin.