Remembering the battles

"In the name of God, most Gracious, most Compassionate"

It is 6.15am. The alarm clock rings; signalling that it's time for subuh. Snooze.
It's 6.30am. The alarm clock rings again. Snooze.
By the time it gets to 6.45am, I tell myself either one of these two phrases:

1) I'll just do it when I wake up at whatever time later
2) I must get up or else Allah will be angry with me. xf azan subuh "solat is better than sleeping"

So each day it's like that... a battle to wake up especially for subuh prayers. Sometimes I wish we had something like this in college.

I vaguely remembered the first time Hubtobe dragged me to a mosque. I can't remember which one exactly coz we've been to so many. But I remembered the feeling of shame and stupidity when I saw others around me all covered so decently and behaving like as if the mosque is their home- their comfort in the house of God, humbled me.

I remembered trying to recall how to do my ablution and then later how to read my tahiyat akhir... it was very challenging and I remembered going home, finding my book on solat from my primary school days and learning all over again.

I also remembered the shock when after Maghrib prayers, I saw everyone around me getting up and doing prayers even though the iqama' wasn't announced yet. I was scared and confused. Only later did I ask Hubtobe what was it and he said they were doing solat Rawatib. Phew! But after a few months, I did dare myself to try doing the Rawatib; especially so when I'm in the mosque. Truth is... the more solat you do in the mosque, the more you feel at home in it... and I suppose that was the feeling I saw on the women's faces the first time I went to a mosque.

At that time, I still had not put on the hijab and trust me... women in the mosque DO give you THAT kind of look when you enter without covering your hair. Despite wearing a turtle neck and long skirt, I felt naked... and naked was how I felt each time I went into mosques... and the nakedness feeling continued even when I was in public.

I remembered going to the library because I felt so lost and so exposed. There, I picked a book entitled 'Why I started to wear the hijab' and I spent the whole night reading and crying over it.

I didn't tell Hubtobe about my experience the night before and I think I surprised him one day when we met and I was wearing the hijab already. And despite the humid weather, I was really happy to be covered. I remembered being so happy that day when we went to the mosque to pray Asar and Maghrib.

I have alot to thank Hubtobe for... it was him who helped me walk back to the straight path. He never forced but always spoke kindly and gently even though I was sometimes stubborn and defiant.

I remembered during the first few months, he would sms me every few hours to ask if I have performed the required solat of the day. It annoyed me alot but it was also like a reminder. Furthermore, I couldn't lie to him... I felt that if I lied to such an honest soul, God would double my punishments.

But now... more than a year has passed and Hubtobe does not need to remind me about anything anymore. And I'm grateful.

People always ask me why do I love him so much even when he has much imperfections (don't we all?) and I wish I could tell them... that I love him because he has helped me reconcile my true love which is for Allah... but they are not ready yet to understand this because they have not reconciled their love for Him.

There is more that I want to learn and even more that I want to learn together with Hubtobe.

Insyaallah, that time will come sooner. Amin.