I'm so stressed out =(

"In the name of God, most Gracious, most Compassionate"

I am very stressed right now. Partly, I am afraid of the daunting tasks that lies ahead of me.

I am in my final semester of my studies and I'm barely there at a cumulative GPA of 4.16 to qualify for an Second Class Upper Honours. Without that qualification, I cannot continue my Masters. -cries-

I would be fine if my subjects this year are as easy as the ones in the previous semester. But they are not.

1) Power, Politics and State.
This is as horrible as it's title sounds. I hate politics and I steer away from topics such as these but now I have no choice as it is the only module that I have yet to do. It is a difficult topic with a difficult Professor.

2) Then I have 2 history modules... one is the History of Civilizations, which I am looking forward to but I know it is content heavy so -sigh- Then there's Special Topics in History which is focused on the Chinese Dynasties and I really am not a fan of China's history. They have way too many dynasties and hundreds of years of histories to remember. =(

3) Then there's my Research Paper. My supervisor isn't even supervising me with anything. Basically, he just meets me once a year just to clarify certain things. ARGH. But then... I guess I have to be independent huh? But really... I do need some guidance.

Which brings me to the ultimate Guide- Allah. I feel so small and so afraid and I only can pray that He helps me along the way.

The purpose of me working so hard is for the knowledge and to make my parents proud. I want to achieve these for the sake of Allah...

May He open my heart and lend me the Ilham to achieve what I have set out to do.

Amin.

My Birthday Wish/Plan

"In the name of God, most Gracious, most Compassionate"

As I was stirring the pineapple filling over the fire for my pineapple tarts, I started thinking about my life and what I should aim to do better.

And the first thing that came to my mind is that:

I should be nicer to Hubtobe. Truly, he treats me very well; never complains even when I bully him or rant and rave about my day. He's patient and always gives in to my whims and almost always lets me eat wherever I want. Though of course he can get really annoying when he starts nagging at me about things or when he misinterprets what I say or forgot my instructions.

But at the end of the day, I think he puts up with alot of my nonsense; more than I put up with his... and so alhamdulillah syukur to Allah for giving me such a person whom I have yet to cherish properly.

So this year, I promise I will try to be a better person. I pray that Allah gives me the strength to be patient and help me cleanse my heart of these darkness and bitterness and meanness towards Hubtobe. Insyaallah, Amin...

Secondly, this year, I also aim to learn how to cook more dishes and bake a bit more. While my mother is still strong and still around, I should learn as much as I can from her and in the future I will learn from my mother-in-law as well. These are all knowledge and they come from Allah. Someday when I have children, I will make sure both my boys and girls know how to cook because knowledge shouldn't exclude or judge based on race, religion or gender. There is no such thing as bad knowledge. It is only how we use that knowledge that determines if it is bad or good.

Lastly of course, I pray that this semester ends with a second upper honours degree and that my parents can be there to see me take my certificate and be proud. They didn't even know that I got a perfect score of 5 for my gpa this year. Alhamdulillah for that. I want them to be proud of me; to know that their efforts at coaching me since young has paid off and that the sweat and pain that they took to raise me has moulded me into a better person.

I've finally found her

Today, I suddenly googled someone's name and to my surprise, I found her livejournal. It's her public writing so I assume she doesn't mind someone reading it. And really, I do want to know her because she had been the inspiration for me to be the muslimah that I am today.

Reading her eloquent words, I feel humbled to know such a person and even more ashamed that I could never be even close to where she's standing. In my eyes, she's the type of woman any muslim man would want as a wife. But of course, she's already married and that makes her even more amazing.

Marrying while still in school; juggling work, school and family and still being grateful to Allah for everything...

I'm going to read her entries one at a time, slowly I guess... in hopes that it would make me into a better person. Insyaallah...

Teaching and Learning

Today I re-negotiated my payment with my tuition kids' mom. She's a very nice lady and somehow she offered me more than what I priced. So Alhamdulillah for that.

Only that, I'm a bit sad that one of my children failed his maths exam- even at the final level... which means that it was bad. I feel it is my fault, even though I've tried my best to teach him. Children are very strange- when you focus more on one subject like English, they suffer in their other subjects although previously they had done well. But this year, I hope to push him further... this is his last year in elementary school and I do want him to at least pass all his subjects. I won't expect him to be a high achiever [as my parents did] and I won't push him beyond 10% of his limit because the truth is, every step in the educational system is just a stepping stone.

In the end, it will get you that diploma or degree. The children are average kids... and it will do them no good to tell them that they should attain 90 marks when they can only attain 70. Although these children aren't mine, I do treat them like my own and I do not want them to be like me.

Yes, it is nice to be in the top class all the time, earning top marks and all that but do you know how many malay/muslims get to the top class? Not many and when you are surrounded by non-muslims all the time, sometimes you tend to lose your way. Secondly, the stress that comes from being in the top class can be too much for a child. I found it very hard and tiring to cope and compete with my classmates daily.

Anyway, before I ramble off again, I just want to make a promise here that insyaallah, I will teach the children well and take care of them- spiritually, emotionally and mentally so that they can become better muslimin and muslimah in their quest for knowledge.